Disney's Cinderella: First impressions

So let me tell you a little story about two people I know, let's call them Loomie and Racy. Makes them sound like an ominous vampire giraffe and a scandalous 60s pinup, but I'd bet at least one of them would enjoy their comparison and it might not be the one you'd think. Anyway.

Loomie and Racy proposed that we'd do this activity and that we would do it in a sort of logical order based on, let's say, a preexisting sequential array. Then they started arguing about skipping some steps. And then somehow mysteriously steps 7 through 11 were "loaned" (you two are so full of crap I swear) "loooooaned" to some faraway personage. But we're already here, the giraffe and the cheesecake poster said plaintively, why don't we just come back to those later?

Well fine. I'll bow to your little schemes this time but I will be back for the rest of those movies. Irritable glare.

Anyway, that's why we're on Cinderella, which hey, a story I know! I kind of feel like Frick and Frack over here skipped over some movies with more unique stories to rush me to one that I'd know already, which really... wasn't necessary. Shouldn't be doing that kind of thing on my account. Anyway.

Am I overdoing it with the running gags? It's largely reflextive at this point (I can't see a thunderstorm anymore without at least going 'GOZER' in my brain) but if it's bothering people I think I can probably work on toning it down. Let me know in comments, as usual. I like comments, they make me happy. :D

So, today's movie is a charming tale of child abuse and how free stuff from strangers will cause you to end up with a man you barely know late at night and far from home about to lose everything. They weren't called the Brothers Grimm for nothing, you know. Actually, was this the Brothers Grimm? I feel like it's not their style, it lacks a certain amount of witchery. Of the evil variety, anyway. I'll say it was them for now. Anyhoo. On to the out-of-order movie, which I think is #12 if they're not lying to me.

RKO RADIO PICTURES is back

so is that choir I see a carriage

okay see this song right here? I have an instant hate for this song

"Cindrella, if you give your heart a chance it will lead you to the kingdom of romance"

not even kidding those are the words someone please tiellm me this was not a popular song

"the sweetest story ever told" my ass

BOOK

they liked doing this didn' tthey

with the book

Once upon a time

Rich in romance AND tradition. Double threat!

Wait he named her Cinderella? Rude of him

Aww she's cute and THEY are sinister

yeah you poick your nose kid, nobody's watching you

Paused

yeah, dead serious, paused right here

I'm looking at Stepmother and I just can't believe how much like... fuck, I don't even want to watch this now because I want to go see when they got so goddamn good at this

Like, I skipped, what, yes I counted on my fingers don't judge me five movies. Five movies worth of them getting better at their craft and did you SEE that lady? Detailed, expressive facial features, the most icy bitchface in the world, clear lines... I don't even know where to go with this now but I guess we'll finish up. Damn though.

Resume!

So they fell into poverty and made her a slave. The usual.

Someday her prince will come, eh?

okay that bird totally just said "Cinderella" in bird speak

paused again

I'm telling you the bird totally said "Cinderella, WAKE UP"

resuming

hehehe the hand

hhhhhhhhhholy goddamn she's

Song time

A deam is a wish your heart yeah we're just gonna settle in for this one

druid/bard again

hehe soporific mice

FEATHER BED HAHAHAHA

I am immediately charmed by her singing voice

"fuck you, mechanical object"

hehe and now she's just scat-singing while druidbarding her room into order :D

annnd stripping why did she sound underwater there?

ahahaha the mice singing voices it's like halflings on helium

The animation is just so much better it's unreal

TIZZ-A-VOR!

HE, HE, HE!

so we've got talking mice, two of them. I'ma call you C-3PO and R2D2

annnnd a nudist

zook zook?

wlikeayou, Cinerellylikeayoutoo

nnnnnnnnnnnope

Gus dumped Int. Don't even know how

jevvaseeakatkat?

 the backgrounds seem less detailed, but the work they're doing is swell regardless

allo dreadful-leitmotif cat

"look into my eyes, woman. Do you see anything but hate?"

Cat's name is Lucifer. That'll end well.

"so it's like a big moving backside?" yeah, Octavius my friend, I feel you're not long for this world

how's it going, night-mare-having dog

G'day Bruno

wait what happened to R2D2

"nothing doing, blondie"

aahahaha pridecat is about to deflate

there we go

ahaha the characters Lucifer you're not a cat you're a weasel

there's R2

CONGRATULATIONS you're a dead man. mouse

got that whole Roman emperor thing going on, Lucifer does. One drop at a time, like grapes

HEY CAT FUCK YOU AND OFF WE GO

biut shortsighted of you not to notice the whole "you left a demon in our path" thing

rooster's got NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

Gus, I feel like you're about to do something all kinds of stupid

HATS I WILL KILL HATS

why did I know

FATS I WILL KILL FATS

wow even the whisker didn't take WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB GUS

gooooood daaaaaaaaaaaay

BROOM

okay those eyes popping up like that was all kinds of sinister

wow that would be a grating voice

I feel like I've seen that mafic trick

"oh no you did not take my mouse"

what is she serving them anyway, looks like tea with butter soup or something

"no seriously where ismy mouse"

stepsister 1: Drezilla, A Bitch

stepsister 2: Anastasia, A Notherbitch. Less of one than the first one

you two are horsefaced and no two way about it

who's who though

who cares, I suppose

GUS INVEST POINTS IN YOUR INT SCORE

Are YOU gonna get it!

What can they realistically do to ominous giant room

super ominous shadow realm wwwwwwwwwwwwow that is a sneer of pure ice

I dread every ounce of this woman why

I don't even understand why

Like she's just doling out pointless orders why do I feel cold nad paralyzed

I found a castle

and abroken windw

I AAAAAAAAAM PANTIENT

poor henchroyal

guy, invest in some more conservative-scale portraits

So the king wants grandkids LET HIM ALONE????

I agree with the King, getting Plato out of the way does tend to hel and he is swimming on a table

LAW OF LARGE NUMBERS, my silly-moustached friend

seriously look at henchroyal's ahahahahaa helmet but seriously his wacky moustache

TOINIGHT!

would the monocole even help at that point

I'm in complete agreement with Luficer here, get an actual sweet nightinggale to sing this would you

acceptable supstitute gound

again they keep trying new things like these multiple reflections in colors and it's magnificent

simple character design oh you rectum

hehe I love the mousehole there

the king urgently requests that you shut that bashee up  AHHAAA the flute

TEMPER on that woman

A BALL!

THE PRINCE!

you are indeed so eligible to get chucked in a swamp

oh I do not like that look that is full of calculation.

"I said IF." seriously she gives me the chills

she's seriously going to do all those chores and get a dress done inside, what, half a day?

is it just me or SONG!

was that shout correcting the mice that it's not RELLIE, it's RELLA

d-d-d-dPOOR CINDERELLIE

hehehehe mouse captainess

We can do it!

annnnd we'v egot the birds in on it too

hehe I have to say this is a clever and fun substitute for the fairy magic from the story

it was a fairy, right?

CINDERELLA, GIVE ME PLASTIC SURGERY

I think we just found some sash and beads

In coming doom cat yep

"I dreamed a scarf was running away from me"

"This is highly unusal behavior for hosiery

AHAHAHA SQUARE FACE

you know what Gus reminds me of? That rat lizard monkey thing from Jabba's palace.

"Wait how the hell did you even get past me"

haha yesss how will you choose okay well you win this round Lucifer

I feel like we're not getting those beads

oh way to pick the most dangerous spot, C-3P0

hey look who was right SPRINGBOARD

Lucifer getting humiliated is a treat look how ell they did that measuring tape DO NOT CUT MY TAIL, MORONS

this is so imaginative I love it

wait, but don't we need fairy magic still? for shoes?

EIGHT O CLOCK, TIME FOR BALLS

that is one substantial palace gate

The cold manipulation is just all kinds of sinister. That is one glowy palace though

I see a HEY LOOK, A DRESS

AHAHAHA HAPPY BIRTHDAY

watch it not fit

...NOPE

THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT BOOTY

IT JUST NOT EVEN WITH SENSE

annnnd she shut them up

oh god no what's she goin to do

ohhhhhhh no

what is with those insane butts

that woman and her offspring are wretched beyond measure

she has no power why does she chill me it is immeasurably not right

fairy magic we could use some of right now I SEE SPARKLES

HOLY SMOKES ITS MY GRANDMOTHER

I mean she doesn't sound a thing like her but wow the hair and the face shape she looks a LOT like my grandmoter

more absentmined though annnnd she just pulls it out of the air

yes, every girl needs a pumpkin

SONG COMING ON

annnnd it's another Disney nonsense-words song

this one is particularly nonsense

demon pumpkin assaults local wildlife, news at 11

shiiiiiiiny

the horse has a point, he was RIGHT THERE

oh Lucifer you're in for it

"OH FUCK ME RUN AWAY"

heheh well the horse coachman seems pleased

poor Cinderella's like STOP IGNORING ME

AHAHAHA "I wasn't going to thank you"

it's weird seeing animated Nan

the nose is wrong though, the eyes too

WELL THEN

THAT IS A GOWN

"on the stroke of twelve the spell will be broken" raise your caster level, lady

POOF!

I mean, she looks all kinds of splendid. Still with the side poof things that look like chicken cutlets and I don't understand it

that's some Princess. This is a general's daughter.

Maybe the boy's gay, what do you know anyway? He sure looks bored as all hell

"Sire, maybe don't go telling them you invited them here for breeding..."

those guards are all like "stoic version of DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN"

annnnnnnd meanwhile ohhh I feel ya Prince that is just yeah what the King said

hehe yo-yo monocle

AHAHAHHA THE NARRATION

oh god they're so hideous

is there seriously only one man down there

oh you're about to get all kinds of TOLD

YOU POMPUS WINDBAG INDEED

:D

annnd we came this close to Cinderella dancing with the King, if you know what I mean

did he just CLINK?

ahhh the monocle

obsessed about grandkids much, Your Majesty?

oh no don't you go doing things

AHEM

the animating here is enchanting, the lights and the facial details... this is a very lazy kind of love song like they had in all the movies of that time that had songs. But this seems particularly lazy with the humming

The use of white in this movie just pops

"I left the toaster oven running"

WORST EXCUSE EVER "I haven't met the Prince!"

she's awfully polite

SHOE

Sinorita? Making a lot of logical leaps there bud

WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE THERE DOOM RIDERS

SWINGING SWORDS

well that's a good way to avoid the black cavalry of midnight doom

I agree, the Prince himself could NOT have been more... whatever

hey, free shoe!

There's something splendid about her ability to not fall to pieces when the night ends

Just "thanks for letting it happen at all"

AHAHAHAA hE WAS PRACTICICNG

that is one preposterous bed I kind of want one

"I'm a horse! My ambitions are fulfilled!"

Oh this won't be any good and I am so on board with all of what's about to happen ALL THE CIGARS

that is the most clumsy lighter ever I would STRONGLY recommend disarming

she got away, peculiar title buAHAHAHAHHAA YESSSSSSSS

TREASON

man he's gonna cut your dick in half

AHAHAHAHA I LOVE HOW BEING IN LEAGUE WITH THE PRINCE IS TREASON

and now they're trampoliting this is fantastic

...and now they're hanging on a chandelier AND NOW THEY ARE NOT WHAT THE f?WAS THAT NOISE

AHAHAHa "that's HIS problem"

I hope for the Prince's sake that it's a size 8 4/13ths or something

are they in France? That's a fleur de lis

aha, the grand Duke! Now we have a name for him

"the Duke is?"

 SHUT UP GUS

she looks so scary intense with her schemes

oh no no no get that look off your face

ohhhhhhhh no

oh no

ohhhhh oh the darkness and the hate in those eyes oh she knoooooowoowws STRESS

I mean I know there will be a happy ending but still

I'm basically just clinging to that because chills and STRESS

CHILLS AND STRESS

OH YOU SINISTER FROZEN HAG

yyyyyyyyeah don't break that thing, Duke.

DOOK DOOK

I don't know what you two think you're gonna do, I've sene your feet

Don't fail YOU? What do YOU have to do with it

I'm right there with you, Duke. Need an anti-monocle for those two

way to overact

SHUT UP GUS

her dead-eyed stare lacks anything but pure ice and spite

I like hiw they highlight hwere the key is

that hand is missing some talons

"or if need be IMPLORE..."

CLONK CLONK

AHAHA the belly indent

oh please that's like a quarter of your ooHOLY CRAP IT IS TOO

uh oh, Lucifer's going to be coming for them, isn't he

annnd you're just going to kick him in the face until he submits

there's no way they make it up that many in time

but how was I wrong about Luficer, seriously

OH YOU FAT WEASELLY BASTARD

THIS MEANS WAR

AHAHAHA the forks did NOT work as intended

"pfoooh"

hooray birds!

his vendetta is entirely on Gus, isn't he

"So Bruno, remember everything she said about how you should behave? Forget like... ALL of that shit"

you'll make it fit, eh? BOIOIOIONNGNNGNGG

nice save

why did he not just up and leavfe right then?


Cat, I have NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

whoa they actually threw him out the window, didn't see that coming

"I hope?"

Oh you frigid malevolent NICE LEGS, LET'S DO THIS says the Duke

SERIOUSLY? You are a complete and utter viper oh thre's that look from the beginning

AAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAH FUCK YOU, STEPMOTHER

:D

hehehehe beet red king

get some velcro, Cinderella

hehehehe mice in royal duds

Happily ever after :D