Die Hard: First impressions

Hi folks! I'm back from exams which suuuuuuuuuuck and finally have some time to get back to what I like to do best. Unfortunately, since I don't have the mobility to get back to what I like to do best (it's hockey), I'm going to have to settle for second best. That's right, it's time to share another movie with your friend Jeremy, and this time we're going seasonal :D

Since I can't afford to get back to Cape Breton for Christmas this year, I'm going to bring in the season with Roomie until he goes off for family whatnot. Lacy's here tonight too, and them arguing about Christmas movies is why we're now sitting here with a crowd-voted-up movie in hand. Lacy would like you all to know that it's one of the ones she wanted and that Roomie lost and is a loser. Normally I'd tell her to do her own dirty work but she brought egg nog so she wins :D


I asked around on the RPGnet forums and the votes for Christmas movie went to Die Hard, which there was a really big argument about here. Roomie says it isn't even a Christmas movie, Lacy disagrees, and the war goes on. Too bad though, because as you know I'm on board with what you guys say and you guys said Die Hard so Die Hard it is.

What do I know about Die Hard?

• It doens't SOUND like a Christmas movie...

• No seriously if this is actually a Christmas movie I don't even know what my brain's gonna do

Anyway, we are all be-noggéd, so it's time to do that thing I like to do and WATCHING A MOVIE TIME IS NOW!!! :D

20th Centruy Fox fanfare! Reminds me of Star Wars :D

Souinds like a plane is a plane I am awesome

OMINOUS HAND.

fists with your toes

I'm with you, forehead guy WHO HAS A GUN it's okay though, he's a cop, trust him whoooooooo that is a cute lady

So we're in Los Angeles. The music is jingly but not belly

Hello Asian-type businessmen

(he wants to congratulate each and every one of you)

This guy with the beard seems like a sleaze

That reminds me, they must have made a movie out of The Christmas Carol at some point. Give me that movie

So this is Mrs. McLean then.

Ola Paulina

So Forehead is Mr. McLean then. And they are... estranged? He doesn't travel for work, he's a cop. Or is that a lie?

Wait wait wait hold up this is a Christmas movie in California?

Someone regrets not being there for his girl

Heh, now that is a very Cape Breton way of handling that. "My first time riding in one"

so not divorced. Gotcha

I like those shades Argyle

Argyle look at that man's eyes. See how much he has no time for your shit.

no seriously I want you all to look in those eyes it's cold like winter in there

no it's not. no it is not.

He is alright. Except for the not Christmas music

There's something imposing about that desk

Holly. Check. Holly and J.

having to use a system that slow would be shiiiiiiiiit she listed herself under her maiden name didn't she

see THAT is Christmas music

why is it cold and empty? This is not positive oh hey a party!

That's not Christmas either, that's

hm

it's Bach. It's definitely Bach, but which Bach

Brandeburg concerAND LET'S JUST GET KISSED BY A STRANGER OKAY THEN

Oh cool they sent a limo. Nice of him. I like this guy

Director. Someone's fancy whaaaaat are you doing beardy sleaze man

Fake laugh needs to be did you just call him Jojo?

SURPRISE oh she actually looks... kind of pleased to see him? Kind of not?

Is there a place where you could push Beardy Douchesleaze Weaselman out a window?

That was an ominous truck

I'm lost. They're married and want to see each other but only in separate bedroHEY you two keep the bad behavior off the screen

and we have a sore spot

TOLD. SOMETHING. I feel like there's this whole subtext I missed about their relationship

did he cheat on her?

I agree John, that was very mature except totally not okay what is with the ominous truck of doom

That music comes with a messange and he message is maybe don't let that truck be a thing, eh?

and there's the "Die" in Die Hard

oooh a hockey puck NOPE

that man has a goatee he is obviously the good guy

So they're trapping everyone in the building, eh?

Good day everyone, I am Goatee. Pleased to stroll around your lobby menacingly

the music is a sinister parody of Walking In A Windter Wonderland but other than that what's the Christmas in this?

...he's doing the toes thing wait seriously?

Alright that got a chuckle

Iiiiis that a bomb? It looks like a bomb

WEll I suppose that's a fast way to get the job done

Beethoven now

WELL THEN. That is all kinds of problematic

oh look they did end up doing bad things offscreen

That's not English

I bet that weasel has already wet himself
Is this floor under construction or something?

Man knows how to calm a room, anyway

Anti-corporate ideologues? interstiokay we know, he had a biography

okay hold the phone that said guided missile

I could tak about industrialization and men's fashions all day :D

HAHAHAHA fill in the blank questions indeed :D

wait what

that would be one hell of a heist they aren't terrorists well that's a thing

this is NOT A GOOD IDEA JOHN

Annnnnd Goatee has a point

WWSD WELL THEN

oh crap they know I TOLLD YOU IT WAS A BAD IDEA JOHN

I'll say one thing about this movie, the villains get lots of fun lines :D

Argyle you useless moron get off the phone

Okay this section here reminds me of something I DO NOT LIKE

...does JHohn have multiple personality or something? Or is he just kicking himself

It occurs to me that this just does not work in a world with cell phones AHA HE'S GOING TO SHOOT OUT HE WIDWO

John get out now I am NOT ON BOARD WITH THIS

LEARN HOW TO AIM, NBITCH

you know I thiiiink he was trying to slam blondie's head into the wall but he was doing more of a number on his own did you just ride that guy down the stairs?

Well then.

Hey look, loot drops from a monster kill

HAHAHAHAHHAHAA shoes

Is he... is he EATING THE PARTY SNACKS? you monster

OH YOU BALLSY MOTHERFUCKER YOU'RE MY NEW HERO JOHN

Hans. Hello Hans

oooh he's getting their pecking order. Nice

Alright now that he's got a better weapon I'm more on board with this. NOT ON BOARD WITH THIS SHIT HERE THOUGH okay I thought that was gonna crush him for a sec

or like threaten to you know what I mean Jophn this is NOT the time to stare at boobs

EYEBROWS

okay look you? You? Weasel guy? GO FUCK YOURSELF

Well that's one way down, but it's basically the worst way so don't go that way

HOW IS THIS NOT AN EMERGENCY?

Lady what the hell SERIOUSLY

I told you, guy, THAT IS THE WORST WAY DOWN

Cheery looking guy man don't give shit to a cop he has no time for that

Hello Abe Lincoln 30

NOT ON BOARD WITH THIS WATCH YOUR BACK JOHN

ah, the Terminator lockpick

Whoops there goes another one

did he seriouslyWHAT THE HELL

AGAIN with the b oobs

huh, he took some damage

you';re about to do something really stupid aren't you

NOT ON BOARD WITH THIS

THIS IS A TERRIBLE AND AWFUL IDEA AND YOU SHOULD NOT DO IT

this feels very Star Wars for some reason

that right there? that would suck. OH GOOD JOB GENIUS NOW THEY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE

what does that have to do with a TV dinner?

I don't understand them when they're speaking not English :P

is it German?

...one lone cop against all that. Well two I suppose
Oh crap he lost his machine gun

He keeps having to alert the badygys to get anything done


WAIT WHO THE HELL IS THIS ASSHOLE

well you did tell him HAHHAHAA

WELL THAT IS A GREAT WAY TO MAKE IT CLEAR

HAHAHAHAHAHAH YESSSSSSSS SO ON BOARD WITH THIS GODDAMMIT ARGYLE GET IN GEAR

wait what the hell why did he drive backwards over a cliff

I know that voice who are you

I don't know the face but I KNOW THAT VOICE WHO IS HE

Got you some cops for Christmas

HEHEHEHEHE conversation AND HE KNOWS THEIR NAMES

oh he did not like that

the monkey in the wrench? Don't think it goes like that

YIPPIE KA YAY MOTHER FUCKER

I KNOW THAT VOICE WHO IS THAT

DICKLESS

oooooh John just stole the letters of transit

Sergeant whom?

BUT THE BADGUYS CAN HEAR HIM TOO. STRESS

YESSS WE HAVE OUTSIDE PARTNERSHIP

now how's Dickless going to fuck this up

Love it. Al, you're the man. Wayne, you're the new Dickless. Which is bad in a film where Dickless is already here

What idiot put you in charge YOU DID hehehehehe

Holly, you're all kinds of alright, you know that?

hm. still using the maiden name. trying to hide John?

Dickless that's the most asinine way to phrase what's going on that I could possibly ARGYLE CHECK IN

...Wayne you're literally the worst. How do you function as a human being

hm, I guess Hans changed his frequency or something, they don't hear him

THIS IS A BAD IDEA STRESS IS BUILDING NOW

Argyle to the rescuuuuue?

...did you seriously just prick yourself in the middle of a hustle and STOP?

wait who's this guy

Argyle what are you even doing

HAHAH "shut up" at a stuffed bear come on Argyle

YES NOW YOU GET IT why are you in charge is this a race thing? Because so far it looks like Al's infinitely more qualified than you, assfaceweaselman

"Send in The Car"

...WELL NOW THERE'S A ROCKET. STRESS IS NOT LETTING GO AND NOW THERE IS AN ELEVATOR WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING ANYMORE

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM the quarterback is toast

what are you doing?

what are you doing John

it would amuse me if John was an adult John Connor

wait the fuck did he just AND THEN THE DEATH STAR

nice foresight John. Let's just stare down the explosion shaft

Dickless you're just a complete weasel aren't you

Hans Groober. Duly noted. Hello Hans. Again.

oh here we go. Shut the fuck up Wayne

oh it's Dwayne. Still don't care. You're full of shit DwaynAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSS from up there he is not in chage of NICE yes Argyle I agree with him

QUIT BEING PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM

it's going to be you, Beardy. You are going to get people killed

Hans, throw him out a window. Feed him to Karl

RECOGNIZE SARCASM

BUBBIE? REALLY?

you piece of complete trash

wait how do you even know that

wellllll shit. John, you're nicked
okay I thought that was going somewhere worse

okay so he's not completely brain dead

...welp. Enjoy that bucket you're about to kick.
WHAT JOHN SAID

yeah that's what that is

damn good thing she used her maiden name

Dwayne you're just a useless prick and I'd like you to go find the nearest toilet so you can flush yourself down it

did you seriously just point your gun at a radio you are unqualified to brush your own goddamn teeth in the morning\

I'm basically completely entertained by how hard Hans is fucking with the police

"Who cares?" :D

It's Christmas, Theo! It's the time of miracles! :D

I just hope Hans doesn't rush him. You rush a miracle man nope. nope. you can't call a book that. I Won't Read It, It Read Won't I.

are they really describing Stockholm syndrome. Now.

Johnson & Johnson and they lay the wit down right away.

so Johnson & Johnson showed up because you don't know how to brush your teeth. This feels like every dentist visit ever yes I made that joke I'm on top of my game

ooh, Hans going out to get his hands dirty

HAHAHA the bad accent is amazing

"My guys are much less competent"

This right here is both stressful and amazing and I am so on board with it

STRESS

THIS CAN GO VERY BAD

OH HE'S BEEN PLAYED

YOU ARE A SUCKER SIR

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHY IS ALL OF MY STRESS

OH FUCK THE KNEES his legs probably look like mine now

how many bullets can you possibly have left

oh shit he's barefoot on that HOCKEY PUCK

annnnnd they have the letters back

oh no

no no no Dickless grow a brain noooooooooooooo

this is going to put Holly in danger now

aaaaaaaaaaaughhhgh the blood from the foooot

at least he's still got his sense of humor

that scene right there says everything about... so many things. not bout the movie, just about like, life and people and talking.

when the power goes off the electro thing does too oh you evil genius

and there's Beethoven's 9th again

again with the boobs

"No, the other one" hehehehe

Yeah I kind of don't... caaaaaaaaare about the emotional spiel?

oh I thought he meant God. hah

Dickless what did you even just threaten that woman with

wait he's going for the KIDS? he's a monster

shouldn't have done that Karl

OH WELL FUCK

ALL OF THE STRESS IS WITH ME NOW

...you two are shit. Seriously. 25% of the hostages is an acceptable loss? that's like... 7 people. right? 30 hostages, 7 people.

was that blood I think that was blood so much stress now

he's losing it now

BOOM annnd that's the end of Karl

Johnson you're even worse than Wayne somehow

Opened the wrong door, fella

OH WELL FUCK now they think he's a terrorist

WHY IS EVERYONE HERE SO BAD AT THEIR JOBS

STRESS IS RESUMING WITH A VENGEANCE

oh look, Gozer's got a thing in LA too

annnnd the helicopter with Asshole and Asshole in it is going down too.

"We're going to need some more FBI guys" yes because the last two were so helpful

Argyle why are you even still in this movie ohoho there's a thing

NOPE. LIMO POWER

"Hi, honey"

Dickless, I repeat, this right here? Your fault

HAHAHAHA he said it too.

WHY ARE WE LAUGHING

WHY IS THERE JINGLING OF BELLS what the fuck do you have

STRESS IS ALL HERE why do you let Dwayne talk, movie

oh thank fuck.

partners finally meet yes yes yes :D

BRO HUGS

BOOM married name

THE FUCK HOW DID HE SURVIVE

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AL IS THE MAN

wait who pays Argyle now?

Dickless, just NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT has Holly. "Did you get that" indeed

 Alright, that's the film. Hot damn does it feel good to be back in business. :D