Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: First impressions

It's dwarves, not dwarfs, you blasted... ah, crap, Disney and I are already starting off on the wrong foot, aren't we? Screw it, I'll assume it's just some sort of holy crap this movie is like 80 years old. Grandpa just turned 84 last week. Wow this is gonna be a thing.

Anyway, they actually did cancel school and the power's holding out, so let's have us a movie!

So normally this is the part where I say what I know about the movie, but come on folks it's Snow White, I think we all know how it goes. Lady moves in with seven short guys because of stepmother issues, has fruit allergy, story provides terrible role model for young girls regarding consent issues and then they all live happily ever after, except for the stepmother who has to live with the fact that her inability to prepare Halloween treats properly means the fairest of them all is gonna be goading her with Christmas cards from a shiny new castle with a handsome new fella.

So instead of what do I know about the movie, let's take this time to do what do I know about Disney!

• Big company. Manufactures Cyruses of the Miley variety.

• Yes that's right they somehow make people. It's also probably creepy when you think about it.

• Big in animation. If you see an animated film apparently it's probably Disney. Whereas if I see an animated film... well before today at least, it definitely has not been Disney. Not according to my readers and the people on RPGnet, anyway.

• Songs!

• Animation!

• They like princesses. There's one with big floopy pants and one who sings Let It Go and some others who dress up differently and I don't know anything about them. Lot of princesses. Like Snow White, for instance!

• Mickey Mouse!

• Donald Duck!

• There is a Land or World or Place that is of Disney. People like to go there.

• They have a movie called Frozen. It was a little bit popular.

• There are about 20-30 or so movies in what Roomie and Lacy both call the "Disney animated canon" so that's the tag I'm going to use. Guys that's so many films how am I even gonna do this

• Everyone knows like every film and what the hell planet did I grow up on

Anyway, enough dallying, I'm getting glares from next to me, so let's get a move on :D

A Walt Disney Freature Presentation

AND THE CHOIR GOES WILD...

Heh, music reminds me a LOT of old movies oh nice there's a little dedication from Mr. Dinsey

I like this music, it's pretty chill

Which is good because there's a whole lot of credits going on here. Know what I liked from Star Washutting up now, there's a book

Kind of waltzy now

Scullery Maid, eh? Alright then

EACH DAY the vain Queen consulted her Magic Mirror why am I READING A MOVIE

Castle and foreboding strings and descending I found a queen and a mirror

The farthest space, eh? A galaxy far, far away?

WELL then that's a face in a mirror annnnnd we're talking like poems

ALAS FOR HER.

SHOCK. SNOW WHITE IS PRETTIER? WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED

Not me where are these peoples' noses

There's something amok about this animation

Ah there's her nose and we're singing about wishing

...the nice things he'll say. And now we have a prince trespassing over a wall and she's singing a duet with a puddle

SURPRISE SONG STEAL

that's a yes, bud

There's something very opera about this

that must suck, I couldn't live with just one song

oh hey look she really is wearing rags and she's got dove familiars.

OHOHO SOMEONE IS ALL KINDS OF NOT IMPRESSED

LOOK HOW ANGRILY I CLOSE THESE CURTAINS. MAN IF CURTAINS COULD SLAM YOU WOULD HEAR THIS SHIT

Love the peacock throne, great iconography

RIGHT forgot about this part of the story.

Man you need to get your eyes checked, Queen Weird Headgear

it's like an unatrractive burka or something. I know some girls who have a lot of fun with their burka or hijab or whatever you call the head thing. Like it's part of their culture and part of their personal fashion and I should be talking about how she talks to birds and stress or something but we all know she ain't getting stabbed

See?

"You seem like you're trained to go live in the woods while a vindictive and petty monarch hates the shit out of OWL

TREES ALIVE NOT ON BOARD WITH

what the shit why is there a forest of evil treants who authorized this

TREELIGATORS WHAT THE HELL

is this just her freakout or something or are Disney forests actually this fraught with peril WHAT IS UP WITH THE EYES

okay so she's just burdened with overactive imaginokay those are fucking adorable

shut up I'm allowed to like things that are cute

RED ALERT GUYS SHE'S NOT DEAD

hehe squirrel between the rabbit's ears

"I talk to animals. That's what I do."

Is she a druid or something?

Druid bard. Right, so she's neutral good then. Or chaotic neutral. Which hey, her life's in danger and she's singing to forest animals, that might not be far off.

Or neutral evil, but I doubt that's a plot twist I'm gonna get to see

WHY ARE THEY ALL SO CUTE shut up all of you stop judging me

You know I think I've seen that outfit before.

...she dumped Wis, didn't she

"Girl, we stay in the woods all the time. S'easy"

Bet we're going to meet seven dwarves. Dwarfs, sorry. We're doing things wrong today

Yes thank you for the journey but you know what's even better is destinations

COTTAGE

Oh come on, THAT's what's adorable? What about all those cute as hell forest critters

Does she have some kind of druid Leadership cause that is a crapton of animals

"I should go in. Dark places are awesome."

"I should go in. Intruding is awesome."

AND THEN THE REST OF THEN pfffhahahaaha

poor turtle

...seriously guys you HAVE to stop flipping out every time she goes OOOH.

cartoon squirrels sneezing is adorable

I bet we're gonna clean up now

ORPHANS. They'll be very happy that a strange lady invaded their house and moved all their stuff around.

this is kinda catchy

hehe alright I'm getting a kick out of AHHAHAHA that's how I clean too

wha tthe hell is she dusting it looks like an illithid typewriter

bet that's the first time Snow White and mind flayers have been mixed together

I'M SO HAPPY I HAVE A SOCK

Poor clothesrack I mean deer

um... so that thing with the turtle looked like something else. I have a dirty mind don't I

she's sweeping the dirt. She dumped Int too, didn't she

DWARFS

they dig dig dig in their mine it's what they like to do

holy eyelashes

ECHOES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY

HAHAHA

oh COME ON jewels don't make that noise wait where's your beard

they need moustaches is what they need

what a ninny

HI-HOOOOOOOOOOOO

I smell a song coming on

what's with the cranky one

HEHHAHAH self-flinging

wait what's the point of a key if you leave it there

not many words to this song, are there

wow that animation got really good with the lighting

okay so fat one in red is leader, and there's a clown bringing up the rear

poor turtle hehaha

That's a pretty epic door for a DOPEY that's the clown

seriously? GRUMPY? BASSHFUL? SLEEPY? you all have terrible names

wait why is one of them Doc? Is he actually a doctor? Must be the leader since his name's annnnnd we're just gonna take over all of your beds

HI-HOOOOOOOO

AHAHAHHAHA POOR TURTLE

doomed to be percussion

"RED ALERT DWARFS, EVERYONE RUN OFF NOW"

WHAT THE SHIT BOYS, THE LIT'S LIGHT

Chimney crickets? Those sound horrible

Gosh, that's a bad sign, his feet COME ON, HEN

Snow White you';d better run the hell away they're going to pickaxe the shit out of you

Poor Dopey has not invested any ranks in Move Silently. EVERY HOOK AND GRANNY

LOOK, THERE'S A FLOOR. OH MORADIN SAVE US CLEAN WINDOWS

WHO STOLE OUR COBWEBS. LOLTH IS BEHIND THIS

hidden in the cupboard look how sad that poor fella is

man learn nouns

wait there's a SNEEZY? man your name's even worse WIND

I found Grumpy

does the finger nose thing even work? I'm doing it right now and I'm not sneezing...

oh you birds are just shit disturbers

you just got volunteered, Dopey

I get the feeling he's the youngest. Not just because of the beardlack either

WELP THAT'S A GHOST EVERYONE STRESS OUT

wait can he not talk

she is goddamn lucky they picked up the sheet first

all females is whatnow?

I DUNNO hehahahahaa

you're fully dressed, kid, come on

"Uh, we suppose so... how DO we do?"

AHAHAHA how do you do what

oh come on how did she guess that it's the one name there that doesn't mean anything

they're friggin' adjectives, she might not even know your names and still

he never tried

"You must be Friendly."

...yeah let's rephrase that one

oh come on how does anyone know she's a princess

she's gonna wreak some vengeance, eh?

Grumpy, I'm curious, were you an alumnus of Salem?

COOK? SOLD.

GOOSEBERRY PIE? INVISIBLE VENGEANCE-WREAKING OMNISCIENT WITCHES NO LONGER MATTER

"Wash? What is this vile sorcery"

you nitwits deserve to be called dwarfs. You're not worthy of the V

 "uh, we're letting you stay in our house, how about you DON'T set conditions, hmmm?"

She's still the worst-animated thing in the movie.

Okay now she's just being mean

You know, she was right the first time, they ARE children IT'S WET??? CALL THE NEWS, SOUND THE ALARM, WATER IS WET

this is the stupidest song I've heard in a long time and he's not even singing

BRBBBBLLBLB BRBBLLLBLBLB BRBLBLRBLBLBB

Tempting fate there, fella

So basically broad, good-natured, general appeal humor for the time. I'd bet some of these guys are caricatures of famous people of the era. Doc especially seems like he's a reference to something

OH COME ON THAT'S NOT HOW YOU BRUSH TEETH

hiccuped his own head off

I sense one very angry Queen is coming up

"Magic mirror, I am bloating... but won't you join me in a spot of gloating?"

Just a tip from someone who's played D&D, better proof would have been her FACE

Just saying, head in a box? Pretty convincing proof

Ooh, someone's going to a black magic lab. She's got books for both Black Arts AND Black Magic, eh?

Wait she's going to drink something to change clothes? Why doesn't she just... CHANGE CLOTHES

ingredients like these are what I love about this kind of magic. We used to hunt these sorts of things for magic items in D&D and it was lots of fun

Uh oh, this doesn't look good

huh, she had a hell of a lot of hair

WELP. When you're even scaring your familiar... yeah she definitely hit the mark on "classic witch" there.

You know you could have just gotten her to drink the same thing you did, I doubt she'd know how to change back

This music reminds me of something THAT INSTRUMENT IS ALL KINDS OF CRAZY AND I LOVE IT

Get him off the stage

AHAHAHA Dopey you do not help

hehe the high note

This whole song and dance is just the animators showing off, isn't it? Pretty good way to do so, though :D

HE TRIED TO BLOCK HIS OWN NOSE

Song's coming on again

I'd like this song more if it were in a lower key or register. And if she weren't trilling her voice that much. IT's got kind of a floaty lilting waltz thing going on and huh, I expected that to be longer

I wouldn't get comfortable if I were you, Dopey

did he just glare a fire dead

I just refuse to comment on all this silliness on principle

HE'S USING DOPEY'S BUTT AS A PILLOW boy it didn't take long for principle to go out the window

Yeah, that looks all kinds of unhealthy

THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU don't offer poison apples to your own familiar

you're an idiot, lady, it's a sleeping apple, not a death apple, she'll still be the fairest

so just so I'm clear, if they had already kissed once, would she be doomed?

okay maybe you're not a total idiot. That's positively macabre that plan is

She's got a hell of a setup down there for being Queen. I'd love to have seen more about THAT

So it seems Disney has a hell of a time animating ordinary humans, but allow for cartoonish proportions or deformity and suddenly they're on top of the game

hahaha back for seconds

shut up Grumpy you wanted that.

Way to uphold the old dwarfish pride there, fella

okay no THOSE THINGS are just creepy as sin

I want pie now

talented birds, spelling like that

Way to not act suspicious, witch

Odd how nobody says "dwarf"

Don't be dumb, Snow White, they specifically told you gooseberry. Don't know what that is, mind you

You know, animals, you could have just nabbed the death fruit

Come on birds, just spell it out for them

No wonder you needed a magic clothing swap, your Charisma's so bad it would punch you right in the Disguise. Seriously, can you say ONE THING without leering evilly?

News flash, boys: you don't get there in time.

The music's having a fun time pretending otherwise though :D

"Could you make a SHORTER wish, maybe?"

Well that's a morbid way to frame the scene...

And so arrives the pathetic fallacy, right on time

CREEPY BIRDS AGAIN

I know Doc's the leader but Grumpy's really the brains of the operation, isn't he

If you have to resort to using your Strength score, you may be a failure as a spellcaster. Just saying

Well that was pretty earned. OHHHH they were there for HER.

Guess you can't show the dead in a childrens' film. Well-implied, though. Someone got hoist by her own petard.

Sad dwarfs are a sad sight :(

Annnnd we're writing again

Wait how long was she in there for??? Was it magic, or did the apple keep her alive? Or do they have IV bags in dwarfdom... I'm overthinking this

"One heart... forgot the ly-rics..."

No, he's singing actual words, I just can't make them out. Hey there fella

Dude there's no point singing at her she can't hear you

or is this like, Prince credentials he has to present

Alright I know it's corny but it's still kind of sweet how frank and straightforward that was

Nice try, baldy

Huh. That's a pretty conveniently placed... castle in the sky??? Is she dead?

Let's go with no.

Alright! My first Disney movie! THE first Disney movie, I suppose. Second thoughts... not to follow, I guess, since we're doing another movie, but sometime in a soon-ish kind of way, let's say. :D