Disney's Bambi: First thoughts

Once more into the breach! Hmm. Wait is it unto the breach? It's not onto the breach, that wouldn't make sense. Does unto make sense. I don't think it does either. Do unto breaches as you would ehhhh what does unto mean anyway bah screw this IT'S MOVIE TIME.

Today we made these amazing pizza twists that you can dip using Pillsbury something or other. Still prefer real pizza but as a fun shareable snack... no, screw that too I still prefer real pizza but I have to admit these are pretty awesome. Also Roomie wanted to try out his new tartine, which is this Mexican kind of pot thing shaped like a cone that you make stew with, so we had tartine and it was crazy good. Wish I could cook like that. Anyway, Roomie's sitting this one out so it's just me and the pixie.

This makes three in a row I have no idea what they are based on the title. I assume Bambi is a character, sounds like a girl's name, so... a girl does stuff. Probably she doesn't get exiled by her stepmother and take over the house of a bunch of gnomes. Probably not that. I feel like I've heard of this one before, cause the name sounds really familiar. I've got nothing, though. So off we go.

Well, this is a fairly sterile intro

leaves on dullllll backgrounds and fancy writing

and wow, this song is a hell of a miss

It's like a bad pastiche of the best songs of the first two

To Sidney A. Franklin, eh?

Ah, we're in

the woods, that is

placid enough tune for the woods but oh for flip's sakes choir SHUT UP

this is moving so sloooooowly

bird sound

this is what I have been reduced to already, commenting on bird sound

ENOUGH WITH THE WOODS

this whole movie is just nothing but the ending of Fantasia, isn't it

you're all punishing me with OWL

with boredom

THREE MINUTES it took for something to be animated. and it's a tired owl.

and a tired squirrel

HOO... HOO... HOO GIVES A RATS ASS about this pale imitation of the Pastoral angry birds!!!

AHAHA yesss third bird is a clever devil

Allo rabbit. Are you Bambi

The animation has tightened a LOT OF RABBITS QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAILS

quails are just the funniest goddamn thing

kid, you're a little shit

THE NEW PRINCE IS BORN

new Prince is probably Bambi. Looks like I got the

Deer

Owl, your eyes are all kinds of messed up QUAIL

so is that the queen then?

HOOHOO. I'm terrifying.

Ass first, that's the way to not do it

"I'm just gonna get all up in your personal space here and make fun of you"

"...well he is" hahaha you little shit disturber

yeah, failing to stand is tiring work

heee the little tail going

HEY LITTLE BIRDS: FUCK. OFF.

Man the Prince is gonna eat you whole, Thumper

No he looks totally unconvinced about the name. Thumper and Bambi. Main characters found

That must be The King

I do like this cheeky oboe leitmotif

he walks like a drunken four-legged spider and it's allllmost creepy

QUAIL

the quail trail makes me unduly happy

"goodbye!"

playing possum, are we?

this may be the laziest script ever

Wa y to fail again, spindlefeet

What's the point of being queen if you can't tell Thumper to shut it up

ASS SUCCESSFULLY ENGAGED

yeah that's gonna stump you

does Bambi talk or is he like Dumbo

mind you Dumbo had an excuse, it's right there in his name

YOU DON'T SAY. THAT is why they call you Thumper? I thought it was a traditional family name

sure, easy for you to say hop over it, you're rabbits

this will suck

mission not accomplished OH COME OM how did you fail that

"man don't sit on me. s'rude"

Everything's adorable and I'm basically working hard to not say that

HEHEHE FIRST WORDS

AHAHAHA WITH THE NOSE

goddamn you people are tryin to kill me with cute

"come on, say bird, say bird..."

and then he destroyed them all by saying Power Word: Bird

he still moves like a deranged leprechaun on crack

Nouns are an issue for you, aren' they

HEY LOOK. I FOUND A no that's a skunk. What is this, the first day with your new brain oh wait

lady skunk is cute

"gossssh"

check it out, Gozer's here

well don't just friggin leave the Prince alone with oh. That was easy.

Seriously the animation has jumped up so much. The lines are so fine and the color palette is so much more well-developed

the role of music in this makes it feel a LOT like Fantasia

song.

Little April shower, eh? this QUAAAAAAAIL

this is I think the first instance of music that isn't didactic in any of the Disney movies that I've watched

well not quite diegetic but clsoe, what I mean is it's not being sung by the characters

thre must be a word for it. Diegetic is really really close but not right

GOZER.

I will not miss this choir when it shuts up

though I have to admit the wind does sometimes sound eerily like that

oh don't bother yourselves it's just Zeus torturing Bacchus

seriously it's like they cut a sung-through segment from Fantasia. The water on the leaves especially

Yes, ell us, what IS the meadow

"HaHA! I know genius things! We are NOT the only deer in the forest!"

Bambi learn to read social cues

out there, there are LIONS

TIGERS

probably a couple of BEARS

(oh my)

ah crap his mom's gonna die

or get turned into a donkey or something horrible Disney movies are not for kids sometimes

the music is not encouraging my STRESS. Just saying

COLD COLD COLD

yeah fuck you too, deer

Again with the lazy script. Wait they're eating what?

"The crap do you want, maaaaan"

AHAAHAHAA "but it sure is awful stuff to eat"

the ears remind me of a terrier

WATCHOUT

oh good job you cloned your reflection

LOVE INTEREST FOUND

either that or it's a lion with a hell of a Disguise check

"Mom, save me from cute girls"

you're getting trash-talked. You gonna take that? You're aprince

"fuck that noise, mom"

this is not rocket science Bambi YES GIRLS DO ACT THAT WAY SOMETIMES Lacy is over here giggling like a little shit

Selene I've gont NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

meanwhile her mom's all "why am I the couch in this scenario"

JUMP CHECK, BITCH

EN GARDE

Again with the Fantasia mimicry

these must be the dukes or nobles or earls or counts or WELL HOLY CRAP

try not to get donked, Bambi, it strikes me as dangehey look it's The King

regal enough music. Guy's hella dark and stately.

I live how his rack evokes a crown

well that was a warm reception for your son. I am right, aren't I?

wait all he has going for him is SENIORITY?

oh

so who's the KING then?

well I suppose the lion is king of beasts. but then the lion's son should be Prince. No, no this makes no sense, I dispute all of this staring pointlessly into the woods

ah fuck he POSED MAGNIFICENTLY. We're all doomed,

Oh no here comes STRESS

NOPE. HERE IS THE STREESS

father. close enough

STRESS IS GUNSHOTS

oh wow, I thought for sure we were going to lose a parent or two there

the villain is MAN? that's... pretty solid actually, considering

the score is doing some really... different things here. Reminds me a lot of other films of the 40s. Same styles.

Also we've only had two songs. Dramatic leaves

Two is weirdly low for these films I HAVE FOUND WINTER

"It's cocaine, son. Go see how it smells."

I'M AN ARTIST WITH MY FEET BEHOLD MY GENIUS

how is his character design so cute I condemn you all for letting this happen to me

SNOW DEMONS ARE ATTACKING MY ROYAL HINDNESS

get it? hind?

whee Thumper's here to goof off again

this cannot end welllllllllllll then

shades of Dumbo and Pinocchio in Bambi right there. Naive, agreeable

"Nope. I call bullshit. You are employing dark sorcery to stand upon this profane glass"

oh nice going Thumper. You tied up the Prince.

way to go, Thumper. you're doing to yourself what everyone else has always wanted to

"I AM THE WORST ALARM CLOCK EVER. KNEEL TO ME"

"Not anymore, assholes" (hibernatin' ?)

STOP EVERYTHING BEING CUTE. DESIST I SAY

MY GRASS THIS IS MINE

oh what the crap noooo why is the music and sinister STRESS STRESS NO

NOPE STRESS IS ALL AROUND SU

oh that just happened didn't it

"we" is a... flexible term right now, bud

I just don't have anyting

man way to sneak up on a guy, great Prince

he's all kinds of grim right there

wait did Bambi even KNOW about that before just then?

THE FUCK LET'S NOT SING A GAY LITTLE SPRING SONG THANK YOU

learn about the mood you bastards

everyone's married now. Except the great Prince. for reasons seriously why is this song so fecklessly giddy I'm with you owl

Owl has NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

and out comes the psycho face

pin feathers, eh?

EARTHQUAKE

nope, DEERQUAKE hold the phislostophers that's Bambi

when the heck did he old up

not a very impressive pair

how did you get a MORE annoying voice WAIT WHAT THE FKSWLM THAT'S A GUY?

huh

also the other two look no different

"Owl's got Owlsheimer's, he's making up stupid words"

Owl, stop defying physics. S'rude

So basically he just convinced them there's a plague of decapitating flu going around that's transmitted by looking at pretty girls? Way to flunk as a mentor, "Friend" Owl

you know I was gonna ask how they'd do a prettier skunk than Flower but somehow they did

WELL THEN. One down, two to go

"Uh oh, I think Flower's head is going to fall off soon. Ah crap"

Oops, you're next Thumper

FREEZEINPLACE annnnd oh come on has any man ever been seduced by "la, la la la"

my kind are dumbasses. Yes, yes one probably has.

One thousand. -__-

"but... but I like my head"

okay the foot is DEFINITELY a metaphor for something else, if you know what I mean

"she's playing him like a lute. he's gone too"

ah frack you cloned your reflection again

"NOOO my head will fall off"

yeah, I bet she remembers that pose, Clumsi

seriously? Man you guys are easy

oops, she cast you into the ethereal plane. Don't be doing that Selene, s'rude

BONJOUR. I AM OW YOU ZAY... YOUR RIVAL

I SOUND LIKE ZE CELLO, NO?

Round 1 goes to Cello Stag

Round 2 goes to I'm not sure, stupid silhouettes

Round 3 goes to Bambi because of course it does

Oh we have another song being kicked in by the Greek chorus

I bring you a song... hm, it's a different melodic structure than its predecessors, bt the fact that I can write this much about it suggests just how much it's still not really engaging. I think it's just symptomatic of the trend in 40s-era movie music to use this dense, soprano-heavy choir

leaves again. Sorry, Fantasia auditions are closed.

"Trumpet? What the heck?"

seriously, what's he goning out for SMOKE wll then Man is back

sorry Dad, hot girl to check in on, you know how it is

oh don't do the thing STRESS IS COMING BACK

OH GODDAMMIT

WHY DID YOU RUN IN THE WRTONG DIRECTION

STRESS IS HERE and the music's not even that intense

quail?

they look like quail

DON'T KILL MY QUAIL

OH WHAT

IT'S ALL STRESS NOW

WHY IS MAN INVISIBLE

WHO UTHROIZED THIS

I AM NOT ON BAORD WITH THIS

her eyes changed color WELL MAN HAS HELL HOUNDS THATS NEW

way is with te crazy look in their eyes

typical fighter, not great against crowd. Great Cleave, Bambi. Pick it next time

oh you did not

nope you do not shoo my protagonist.

oh nice going Man, way to destroy

like just in case you failed to catch something, you'll kill it anyway

"Oh well if I muuust"

annd hell rain approaches

it cours to me that what the Great PRince is Great at is Running The Hell Away

I'm hearing Indiana Jones in my head

think we can safely call that one a conflagration

QUAILS

Grt ready to be woke up Owl

hahahha Thumper's got four minithumpers

he named his son Bambi?

new Prince coming, right?

hee the molebabies

hey there are TWO

MY EAR

I see his dad still outranks him in the rack department

another song

The End.

Hmm. Well, alright then. That's five done.