Monday, June 23, 2014

Alien: First impressions

Yes! We're doing it! Roomie had a night out, so Lacy's got me set up tonight with one of her favorite movies. Don't know what to expect here beyond it being a controversial choice and everyone wanting me to watch it. Excited? Worried? Little of both. What am I getting into?

It's late, so Lacy had to leave. Solo viewing means best reactions, though. I've got nothing on this one, so I'm just going to jump ahead and press play.

Always love the fanfare

The rings of Saturn?

Oooh, dark planet

I

Tom Skerrit

/

\

I again

Why did John hurt?

I again

oh I get it

Guys I'm not on board with the music what's happening

It's like Evil Saturn

I feel really cold

The Nostromo, eh?  I can't make it out ahhhhh it's big and ugly thought that was a rock or something

Well isn't this all Star Wars of you? Imperial pointy ship

Guys invest in some lighting seriously

This reminds me of a boat I was in once, all ducts and pipes and the like

Anyone home?

Why do I feel like you guys gave me a creepy movie?

With no people seriously where is everyone

Is soething there?

Something's mving on that table

YES IGET IT NOBODYS oh hey here we go what's up guys

AHAHAHA "the future will be filled with shitty old computers"

We have illumination! And padding. And oddly placed curtains.

If the movie's stying tyo make me uncomfortable it's working, I assure you

I found some people!

"Meh, don't wanna get up"

Crazy looking bed contraqption thing, eh?

Hey guy!

They have stickers on them

Spokers in space, that seems unwise. Hello the group

I'm there wieth hey she looks familiar

did he say "bonus" or "boner"

It does sound like "boner"

Space telephone?

Nope. Space punch clock thing. Morning Ralph. Morning Sam.

Well this is all red and eerie.

"Mother?" Is he talking to his mom or is it called that

Odd way to address a computer

Wait what do you mean where's Earth

IT's like a giant oil platform thingy.

So what, you guys got lost in space? Good job.

Heh, space banter.

So who's who up in here? I like names and jobs

That's DANA! Hey Dana!

Be on he lookout for Zuuls.

Oooh, alien transmission? :D

Yes, the boner situation

TOLD. Contracts just suck, don't they?

Loud Hawaiian style shirt, odd choice for space

Sounds like one of those slidey tube things.

Is the clicking part of the signal or a omputer thing

This gent in blue looks important

but then so do beardy and skinny

Every time I think I get what the ship looks like they give me a new angle

Hey look I was right! Dark Saturn

There's something Star Trekky about that reed instrument music

What are they doing?

AHA it's a mini-ship thing

Those graphics must have been quite the thing in Whateveryear

Someone needs to start filling me in on what year I'm at with each movie, I really don't know most of the time

or what years I'm at if it's Back to the Future

Vast space darknesses

SPACE ELEPHANT

Who's in charge here?

Blue suit?

Beardy?

Thing looks like it's going up her nose

They've got the roof of a MExican restaurant under their ship!

"Congratulations! We have successfully made the movie longer OH WHAT THE SHIT"

STRESS

WHAT IS GOING ON

Space elephant attack?

Did you morons just strand yourselves

"We gotta reroute all these ducks"

Who puts wind chimes in a spaceship, honestly

Good thing they're on like the windiest planet ever

LET THERE BE LIGHTs

"How far away? NORTHEAST"

that's 2 km. I mean, it IS walking distance, but you wouldn't do it with space elephants about. Not in that wind.

Soooo... space suits

Blue suit's in charge, but I don't think he's the lead

Maybe there is no lead in this movie. Or maybe the alien from the title is the lead? That would be kind of audacious, to spend this much time with no main character.

The future likes blue, doesn't it?

I like blue. Blue is a likeable color.

Which one's in the chair? The Emperor?

That's blue-shirt?

Can I get some names on you people

Boney and Diversity Casting and RIPLEY. BRETT. HELLO BRETT.

So that's two.

What is with your steam fetish, Not-Brett?

Or is the black guy Brett

"I like griping" Motto of Cape Breton Island right there

I like griping too, for the record

KITTY

Now I love cats. Never had a cat. But I love them. Allergic, of course

Oh what are we doing with the silence

This is very uncomfortable

VADER IS HERE I ccan here the asthma

That looks like something. ASH. HELLO ASH.

Really? You've never seen the letter U?

Look, that is clearly either the letter U or someone took a bite out of a space doughnut

WHY IS THE MUSIC MAKING WITH THE STRESS

And lots of interference

So this is the alien's ship?

You'd think they would have better cameras in the future

The distortion is not at all stressful. Of course not.

Apparently lights are unwelcome.

This is a very slow movie. Slow and dark.

I feel properly alienated. It's a pun! :D

I keep waiting for anything to happen

BESIDES CREEPY NOPISES

oh hey what's this?

It's like a giant corpse thing at a super telescope

That thing is huge! Was huge.

EXPLODED FROM INSIDE?

AGREED. LET US DO THAT.

What a weird looking thing

It's close to human but just not there OH HEY A DARK HOLE LET'S CHECK IT OUT

OH SHIT NO A WARNING

Ash, you're a cold-blooded kind of rectum aren'[t you

Looks slimy

"Slime, yes."

A CAVE? On a spaceship? Weird aliens.

It's huge, whatever it is

Leathery eggs, eh?

Bet they take one with them and the mom gets mad

Always the way, people do stupid things for fun

A layer of mist, eh?

Odd things

Wouldn't do that if I were you

It's alive inside

and it throbs!

Clearly a good idea.

I just said that, catch up

Oh hey! Hatching!

Hello Jello

WHAT HTH E SHIT NO O

NO WHAT THE FUCK

NO.

NOT WITH THE JUMPING OF THINGS

IT's like that goddamn undead monkey, things jumping out

Well this just became all sort s  of new kinds of STRESS

What happened to Cain?

Dana's right.

Dana's all kinds of right.

THE SHIT HAPOPENED THERE it smashed through his headblub

annnnd it cracks like an egWHAT THE HELL

Gross just fucking gross what the hell

You should freeze him. Do anything to OH HERE IT GOES

it's like a spider... hand... thing?

With a strangling tail of course

The X-Ray machine id dcent, at least DOWN HIS THROAT?

Oh that's just new kinds of gross

Ash, you're a moron

Beardy, you're in charge

knuckle. Gross

WELL THEN THAT'S A NO

what the hell is it made of, pure liquid hate?

wow it's like paper and THE PEN IS SMOKING

So they can't kill it and it GRABS YOUR FACE AND STRANGLES YOU SLOWLY

WHY AM I WATCHING THIS MOVIE I AM NOT ON BOARD WITH THIS

I AGREE IT ALSO GIVES ME THE CREEPS

Is it turning him into something? Whay is it doing?

What are YOU doing, sir

"Science"

She's the most rational person on board

You're fascinated by the spiderhandcrab aren't you Ash

Well phrased yes why DID you let him in, that was a stupid idea

DALLAS. He'll be beardy.

Yes, probably.

So he's the science officer, she's third in command, and... which one is captain?

Ahh, classical music. I've always liked it.

Oh what's going on is he mutating HE IS MUTATING ISN'T HE what

where's the grabby

OH SHIT WHERE IS THE GRABBY

Don't go in it's going to do it to you too

Why leave the lights off what will that accomplish

NO STOP GOING IN THERE WHERE IS THE GRABBY

Look you morons this isn't a game of don't wake the baby it's OHFUCK

TURN ON A DAMN LIGHT, YOU DO HAVE THEM IN THE FUTURE

OHSHITHEONOOOOOOOO

NO GOOD FUCKING SHIT NO

oh got it's like someone vomited and filled a spider with it

Ash you're a moron par excellence

DALLAS USE YOUR BRAIN

So she's the main character by virtue of being the only one with an Int score

DOOR.

So wait is Ash secretly the boss or something?

can I get my STRESS retracted yet?

Because I would like that very much

The music keeps trying to be pleasant and just ever so slightly failing and it is getting my dander up

Hehe, Brett.

Parker?

Ten months? Go back to nap.

He's mustating isn't he

Oh hey Cain, welcome back to the living. You're going to be a mutant

"It violated me. So yes."

Smothering. Yyyyyuck.

Chinese? Chinese. Let's all go for chinese.

He's gonna kill a guy.

Well come on the guy was in a coma, he's gonna be hungry

OH SHIT NO HERE IT COMES

or is he ghonna die

is it a disease

What's happening WHAT IS HAPPEN WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM HES HAVING A SEIZURE WHAT HIS HAPPENING TO HIM

WHAT THE SHIWWHSHAFFUAT THE FUCK HE EXPLODED

WHAT OH FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFNOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

paasuesd

gusy no

no no no no no no no no

jo no it's dark and I'm alone wand hsivering why are you doing that to me



Everything baout this is wrong and bad

Lacy's not picking up so I'm just going to unpause and hope it gets better from here. I'm a moron to hope that, aren't I

So it just what, planted a larva inside him?

Guys come on get some future tech on the job

If you had done that in the first place there would not be a raw chicken bug thing on your ship now

The ship is awful big for that few people

That's a terrible choice of weapon

Tracking device, there we go

that seems tremendously inadequate

TURN ON THE LIGHTS

oh they burned out well that's marvelous isn't it

So did they tune it to not register their own moves? They must have

Excellent. Thank you for turning on the lights now for question 2 WHY ARE YOU SPLITTING THE PARTY

The whole reason this started in the first place is because they split the party

5 meteres is not a whole lot of meters

Good job having a ship where everything is creepy and it's always dark

Oh god it's there

CAT

Oh well guys why do you have a cat on board

YOU SPLIT THE PARTY

YOU MORON

WHY

Which one is Jones

Oh god no I don't want to look

He's going to get hit

I know it

I hear hearbet

hearttbeat

guys no whey would you o this to me

my hands are shaking so mcuh WHAT the fplease stop catting around

oh what the hell

it shed skin

oh god it;s iike a snake its growning isn';t it

WHY DOES YOUR WHOLE SHI PHAVE TO BE TERRIFYING

NONE OF THIS IS POSITIVE

MY STRESS LEVEL IS OGGF THE HCARTS

get it over with plleeeeeeease


why is there a bell sound

why is there rain WHY ARE THERE NO LIGHTS

IT;S UP THERE ISN:T IT

come on get out

CAT

WHAT

WHAT THE SHIT IS THJAT

HW IS IT SO QUIET NO

WHAT

WHERE Waaaadppjjp\pjjpdappjjpfdsjpfsdajpfsdaj;fsdafsdfJ:f:JNNTGIOO{O{tt

"WHAT WHy NO

poaused

foklsk no no no no no I'm hyperventitliating na d my hands arte shakning on the ksyeboard so hard I hcant I'm clenchit all hurts and I'm, cold and jst

I am going numb from the cold and the stress. no no no no no. why did you ask me to wath this cmoive it ns not ienterttaining it is just evertyhing bad inthe universe

Roomie was right. I dont want to watch this. I don't want to rwathc this movie.

I'm going to finish it, or try to.

Unpaused.

Brett is gone Get out of there before you're next

CAT YOU FUCKER this is all your fault

yeah it grew.

IT'S MOVING THROUHG THE AIR DUCTS?

I AM NOT ON BOARD WITH ANY OF THIS AT ALL

Cain's son? Really?

ASH STOP BEING FASCINATED

Fire. I will accept this.

YOu're splitting the party you're the worst captain ever

You seriously need better lights

How do you accomplish anything on that ship

That was like this disgusting orifice noise

A TORCH. A torch to scare the living nightmare

STOP WITH THE GROSS SOUND

Oh god what if it's already behind him

That will help, yes. At least he's smart. For a dead man.

You know he's gonna die, I know he's gonna die. I don't want to see it. I just know its coging to happen.

UI hear something

OH it's a flamethrower. That's cool then

so much stress everything is stress

SLIME oh god

Where is it what is it going to do this time

Where

IT'S THERE WHERE

IT'S COMING

RUN

RUNNNNNNNN

ASH YOU BITCH YOU'RE ON THE THING'S SIDE ARWEJJFRJWJJ

Four left.

Four left. Dana you'd better be on top of this

I'm good with that plan

OH WELL FUCK.

Why would you have a shuttle that can't carry the crew it's not a big crew

I'm on board with this plan because there's reduced party splitting thank you for having an Int score.

NO NOBODY GOES ALONE why would you do this

Colating?

YOu look like I feel. I'm right there with you lady.

OH GOD IS IT IN HERE TOO

DON'T LET THE SMART ONE DIE

why is everything in this movie the most terrifying thing ever

oh what the fuck

WHAT THE FUCK THEY WERE SENT FOR ICREW EXPENDABLE?

Ash IS on its side

WHY WOULD YOU WANT ONE OF THOSE? IT IS NOT A VERY GOOD PET

Oh shit she got doored

The fuck is wrong with you son it will get you too

What's the white stuff WHAT IS HE DOIGN what the shit

He's just so calm I don't understand

WHAT IS HE DOING

WHAT THEHELL

What the hell is he

what the hell are you

WHAT THE HEHL WHAT THE FUCK I DO N'T

is it na alient too

no it's... a robot

WHAT THE HELL KILL IT KILL ITI KRILLL IIT

FOR THE WEAPONS DIVISION? THAT IS A STUPID PLAN

THAT IS JUST THE WORST PLAN

whyyyy is there white

no don't describe the nightmare as perfect

ITS PURITY. OH WELL THANK YOU.

YOU ARE A MONSTER AND I HATE YOU

Agreed, Parker.

Agreed so hard

Don't do it, don't split the YOU SPLIT THE PASRTY

Did Ash attacking her punch her in the Wis

bcause now it's just common sense not to do that

Everything retracts or extends or CAT NOT AGAIN you're like the harbingger of death

oh god it's in here isn't it of course it is it's jet black, no lights and they're splitting up

WHAT

okay no no hissing noises

Don't follow the cat

Do not follow the cat that's how Gredtt went

Is Dana gone? Tell me Dana's not gone WE NEED HER

oh shit it's oming for her I don't want to see this

WHAT STOP MAIKING NOISES

WHY ARE YOU AFTER THE CAT look I like pets as mcuh as the next gy but STRESS

STRESS ALL FO THE STRESS WHY HIS THIS A THING

OH GOD ITS COMIGNG FOR HER

nononoonon

nooooo

WESWSFFFFFFUCK YOU MOVIE I HATE YOU

Ooh god it's still coming isn't it

ITS THERE

WHERE IS IT

WHERE IS IT

IS THAT IT

OHH FUCFKF NOOOO

BURN IT KILL IT LKKILLL IIIIIT

BURN IT KILL IT ALL

NO IT HASS TO DIE

nonononoono no no WHAT THE SHIT

WHY IS THAT A THING ITS LIKE A DEMON

KILL IT

WHAT

BURN IT

GO GO GO KILL IT WUICKLY

WHY DOES IT OPEN ITS MOUTH LIKE THAT HWY DOES ANYU OF THIS HAPPEN

WTHE FU

WHA THE FUKC WHAT THE TAIL NOOOOOO NO NO NO

RUN AWAY THEY'RE BOTH GGONE

RUNJ SAWAU

RUN

RUN

NO NO PARKER JUST RUN

RUN AWAY

BRING YOUR FIRE

ohhh hshit don't let it catch up

okay just blow it right thie fuck up whatever it takes I want it dead I wan t it alll the dead

just do it

10 minutes to get out you can do it RUN AAY

WHY IS EVERYTHING STEAM why are we zooming in dson't szoom in get out of there get out of the DARK WHY ARE YOU IN THE DARK

I nrrf to know that sounmoune gets out

OH SHIT IT'S HERE

WHAT

you found the lair oh god it's the lair

how is he stil alive

what the fuck he's it a cocoon

KILL HIM DO IT

WHAT THE FUCK I DO NOT ACCEPT ANYU O THIS I AM NOT ON BOARD WITH IT

oh nooooo it knows it knoooows

RUN RUN RUN LEAVE THE CAT AND RUN

WHERE IS IT

ITS HERE

I KNOW IT WHERE IS It  RUN AWAY

TNWOOOOOOOO

FIRE USE THE FIREE FFUUUS EHT E


KILL IT DEAD USE FIRE RUN AWAY

WHY THe STEAM THIS IS NOT HELPFUL

I appreciate the car horn it rmeins ame of times and things that were not this

WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST LEAVE

RUN

NO

RUN

RUN AWAU

THE SPACE DEMON IS COMING OH FUCK THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE

WHY

WHY IS IT JUST GO

GO GO GO GET O THE SHUITTLE

RUN AWAY

STRESS TOO HIGH

PAUSED

I can't do this I an't do this I cannot do this I can't watch this movie I cannot watch thisw movie

Evertyhing in the apartment looks like its going to kill me. I'm just gone I can't do this

Alright I will finish it but I need anything else after this anything at all

Okay Roomie says I'm going to watch a dumb movie after this to help calm down. It's on the shelf and I can get to it.

I have it here. Alright. Okay. There's a remedy to this.

Back in we go. I don't want to do this.

AHOOOOOOOGA

WHY IS IT SEIZURE LIGHTS ITS BEHIND YOU I SAW IT I SAW IT THERE BEHIND YOU KRUN

I SAW IT I KNOW I DID WHERE IS IT

I'm seeing things now

IT IS IN FRONT OF YOU

IT IS EVERYWHERE

RUN AWAY

ITS BEHIJD YOU THEN RUN AWAY

the cats aliev?

RUN AWAY

That should hold it.

Okay just get out

if it slams agains the doors I will be so done

on no tell me it's not on the shuttle tell me it's not there

DON'T BUCKLE IN YET CHECK EVERYWHERE FIRST

I DON'T TRUST IT

she looks so done

I'm with her

I'm so done

let it be gone don't let it kill her

I don't believe anyone about anything anymore okay the explosion is a bit much, eh?

Okay

I don't believe it yet

that was still to eassy

I'm shakign again

oh god it is ther eI Was right I don't want to be right

Where is it

WAKE UP QUICK IT IS THERE

tdon't listen to the music I know I'm right

how did the cat survve

are we out? we hve lights

oh no we're not out I don';t believe it culd be that easy

it's on the shuttle I jknow it I odn't trust anyone or anything

where is it stop striping it's here

yes shes very sexy I KNOW IT IS HERE NOTHING ELSE MATTERS PROVE ITS DEAD

the movie would not stull be going if it was dead

where is it

oh god the sounds it;s here I know it ad THERE IT IS OH SHIT

YOU GFUCKING THING NOOOOO

WHAT IS THAT GOING TO ACCOMPLISH

WHY ARE ALL YOUR LIGHT S SEIZURE LIGHTS

it looks like the cables

why does it look liek the cables I don't ant to look at it

plan please telll me that's a plan look

WHY OES IT HAVE TWO MOTUHS

you can't survive outside the ship what is the pln

thats added armor ac +1 at best. Maybe +2 if it counts as leather

its not enough

ARE YOU ARMED WITH A ZAPPY it won't help

why is it just lying there

don't tell me there are two

WHY seizure lights make no sense

what is she saying

SCREAM YOIU BITCH THING. SCREAM AND DIE

IT'S THE WORST THING OH GOD ITS THE NIGHTMARE O EDN ALL NIGHTMARES AND ITS STILL LAIVE

WHY IS THE HEAD LIKE THAT

ARE THERE TWO

WHAT

WHAT

WAHT DO YOU NOOOOOOOOOO

NOOO HOW IS IT STILL ON THERE

The music says done please be done

mouth dru

Cargo destroyed. Cargo. They wanted that thing to be cargo.

They're insane.

please don't tell me ther's a nother one

space

credits oh thank god

ohhh thank god

I'm still stressed.

I'm still compeltel stressed.

Okay. Okay. Ohhhhhkay.

Okay.

I have to go do the other thing. Any other thing. WIth lights on. I'm still shaking but muy hands are much better now. I just have to not be doing that. Okay. Right. Light movie to watch now. With lights on.

45 comments:

  1. Roomie could not have been more right O_O
    And I would avoid anything in the "horror" genre, cos it can get all sorts of worse than Alien. Hope your comfort blanket movie's a good one :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, dear.

      I'm sorry that no one checked if you're ok with horror movies... :( (note: I will never, ever watch Alien. Hell, it's on a ride at some theme park I went to, and I always hide at that point)

      I hope your comfort movie helps.

      Delete
  2. I watched this in the theater when it first came out, and it was not so bad. Then. I have never watched it again all the way through. Though I do still love the sequel, "Aliens", to many little sparkly pieces and I do not admit any of the other movies in the series exist. Movies 3 and 4 are not real, not in canon, and that's my final word.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Scratch the following from your Big List:
    - A Nightmare on Elm Street
    - Angel Heart
    - Halloween
    - Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
    - the Exorcist
    - Scanners
    - Jaws (shit! Jaws is Spielberg at his Top. But it's a bit scary. I think it inspired Alien)
    - John Carpenter's 'The Thing'
    - Saw
    - Reservoir dogs
    - Se7en
    - Silence of the Lambs
    - The Decent (such thrills... such wonderful thrills)
    - Evil Dead 1 (maybe 2; that's more a black comedy)
    Be careful when watching 'Tremors'. It's a horror spoof but everything is beautifully lit. Oh, God! You NEED to see Tremors if only for Burt Gummer.

    Insert:
    - Puppies & Rainbows
    - Cars
    - the Sound of Music (but ask Roomie to to attend during the final 10 minutes)

    Sorry you didn't like Alien but the sequel 'Aliens' is more action and is by he guy who did 'Terminator'. It has no cat.

    GP

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think he can probably handle Jaws. ALIEN is a relentless nightmare. Jaws has comedy and character drama and lots of fun stuff. Temple of Doom, same deal.

      Probably should avoid The Exorcist, though, yes. Too bad if you're going for the "geek staples", but there you are.

      Delete
  4. On one hand, it's a pretty big dick move to leave you alone at night to watch Alien. On the other hand, schadenfreude.

    And now you can look forward to the sequel!

    -Anonyman

    ReplyDelete
  5. YOUR SO-CALLED FRIEND LET YOU WATCH ALIEN ALONE NO YOU DON'T DO THAT YOU DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE ALONE IT WILL FUCK WITH YOUR MIND YOU WATCH IT WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE WITH THE LIGHTS ON.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly. This movie should not be first seen alone.

      Delete
    2. Or, alternately: it should!

      Delete
    3. I'll tell you what I told him. I left him alone because if I was there, I would have turned it off. I'm just a softie at heart. Call me weird but I don't even think it's that bad by current standards.

      Delete
  6. AAAAHH OMG. This was the best recap ever. You should know that people in the theaters in 1979 had no pause button for when the alien bursts out of Kane's chest, and people were literally puking in the aisles.

    Now, a word about the sequel... while this was very much a "haunted house" type horror movie, the sequel is way more adventure and more like a war movie. So don't let the terror of this experience dissuade you from moving on to ALIENS, directed by James Cameron (Terminator and T2).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ALIENS is so darn good it would be a shame if he skipped it, but I'm literally worried about him dying of a heart attack after this recap. It's less scary than the first one, but still: STRESS.

      Delete
    2. The best part is that none of the *actors* knew what was going to happen during the dinner scene either, so their reactions are genuine.

      And I think Aliens will be a lot less stressful -- it's as good a straight-up action movie as Alien is a horror movie, with a fair bit more humor to break the tension.

      Delete
    3. I don't think Aliens is less stressful. It's less terrifying and less horrifying, but it's all kinds of tension-filled stress.

      It's also got some great humor though.

      Delete
    4. @ Black Isis: By best part you mean dick move, right?

      The actress who isn't Sigourney Weaver apparently suffered apermanent back injury when she fell over in response to the chestburster scene.

      - Chris

      Delete
  7. +1 to "keep Aliens on the list, it's an action movie, not SUPER CREEPY HORROR like Alien".

    Also +1 to "nevertheless, probably a good idea not to watch it alone".

    ReplyDelete
  8. You're kidding: they made you watch ALIEN alone? NOT OKAY NOT OKAY NOT OKAY.

    One of the scariest movies I've ever seen. Okay, sure, there may be scarier movies out there, but I don't watch horror movies. I think it would have been only fair to let you know that it's a horror movie before you watched it, so you could have made sure to have every single light in the house on and people around and stuff.

    You need to keep THE MUPPET MOVIE and/or SINGIN' IN THE RAIN around for watching after a movie like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I told him it was horror. Not sure how thoroughly he reads these comments.

      Delete
    2. I didn't let that through the comments.

      Delete
  9. I have some further recommendations if you ever want to literally die from sheer terror: There are Alien-based computer games that, to me, are about 100 times as scary as the movie. In particular, this October will see the release of the game "Alien: Isolation", which is a survival horror game where you're alone on a spaceship with an Alien-type alien. The game supports the upcoming virtual reality headset Oculus Rift, so you can get the experience of actually being inside the game (and the ship). With an alien. And no weapons.

    ReplyDelete
  10. "WHERE Waaaadppjjp\pjjpdappjjpfdsjpfsdajpfsdaj;fsdafsdfJ:f:JNNTGIOO{O{tt"

    Best line ever.

    Now, go watch Big Trouble in Little China to help you recover.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Recommend for recovery with silliness:
    Monty Python and the Holy Grail

    As a bonus you will learn 90% of the goofy quotes you will ever hear at gaming sessions. Seriously, goofy quotables EVERY scene. Usually multiple per scene.
    Enjoy.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I think with this down you've got all the references you need to get the jokes in Mel Brooks parody "Space Balls".

    ReplyDelete
  13. Good on you for getting through this one, Jeremy. I'd recommend The Muppet Movie to cleanse your palate after this one, though. Or Python. You'll laugh. A lot.

    I will say that despite all the stress of this movie, it'll be worth it to get to Aliens. If Alien was a "haunted house" movie, Aliens is a war movie. I was so taken by it back in '86 that I saw it five times in the theater. When I was 12.

    I would even go against everyone else's recommendations and say that Alien3 is worth a watch, as it provides a good sense of closure and symmetry to a three-act play, that is Ripley's trajectory through the "dealing with the Alien" experience. But skip part 4, it's absolute crap.

    Agreed with Mr. Stover that Big Trouble in Little China is a must-watch, but not a good de-stresser. But yeah, that flick is totally awesome. Recommend you watch it in close proximity to a viewing of Buckaroo Banzai.

    ReplyDelete
  14. That's so awesome they made you watch it alone. Remember, it's all about the experience! You'll remember this for years to come. :) Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Good job Jeremy! I watched this when I was about 12, and it disgusted the hell out of me. Rewatching it as an adult proved very entertaining (if not that scary, but I'm jaded when it comes to this stuff). Now relax, and as others have said, you should still watch Aliens, because Alien is very much a terror movie, but Aliens is an action one.

    ReplyDelete
  16. "It's late, so Lacy had to leave."

    D*ck move, Lacy. :)

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  17. Had a biglargemchuge post here that got eaten by the internet and it's sql errors. So, instead I'll just say that I hope you don't hate the internet too much Jeremy. But congratulations for surviving Alien, it's mostly all downhill from here. Though some of the recommendations on TBL make me scratch my head, as they're not necessarily what I'd consider to be iconic or necessary viewing.

    As others have said, the muppet movies, monty python, and other comedies are good palate cleansers for Alien. Good luck and keep in mind that as terrifying as an experience as it was, we did the same thing, many of us at half your age.

    PS: Give Lacy a hug from me. She's a bad person after my own heart for leaving you to see this alone, in the dark.
    -J-

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  18. Well I did try to warn you, Jeremy...

    By the way, is it just me or does it sound like he saw a version that had the "kill me" scene restored? I didn't know those even existed.

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    1. I think the DVD version has the option to watch with or without the edited out portions.

      For WonderfulNoise; the scene, late in the movie, with Ripley and Cocoon-Dallas, was edited out of the initial theatrical release of the movie. Legend has it that late in production, Ridley Scott et al screened the almost-done movie for Fox executives and when that scene came up, one of the executives vomited. They made the production crew edit the scene out.

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    2. That's kind of over the top. H. R. Giger kept diaries that were reprinted in the ALIEN design book, and in them he simply says that that scene was cut out because it interfered with the carefully constructed rising tension that the movie had been building.

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  19. A) I disagree with Crujiente. It's all uphill from here. There is nothing scarier than Alien.
    B) Don't fear Aliens. It's super intense, but it's more action intense, not 'OMG THIS SHOULD NOT BE' intense.
    C) Do post your liveblog for John Carpenter's 'The Thing'. But don't watch it alone at night with the lights off.

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  20. In case there's going to be a Second Impression:
    - Dallas (captain beard)
    - Ripley (Dana)
    - Ash (blue shirt android)
    - Lambert (skinny woman)
    - MU-TH-UR 6000 (computer)
    - Kane (bad ulcer)
    - Brett (loud Hawaiian shirt & hat man)
    - Parker (diversity guy)
    - Nostromo (deep space ore refinery & transport ship)
    - I forgot the name of the escape shuttle. Narcissus?

    Cheers,
    GP

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    1. - Jones, Jonesy, here-kiddy-kiddy-kiddy (cat)

      GP

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    2. The shuttle was named the Narcissus, yes.

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  21. totally unrelated but you need to watch the Transformers movies, just for the hilarity of it

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    Replies
    1. No he doesn't, they're awful

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    2. the first one is a pretty typical summer blockbuster. the third is pretty good. only the second is horrible horrible.

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    3. The first one is the only one I've seen, and it's horrible. Just completely awful on every level except some of the technical aspects.

      Seriously, are you people sadists? The guy has so many great movies on his list and you're recommending crap like this.

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  22. The first time I tried to watch Alien I was 7. Suffice to say I didn't last until the diner scene. I had seen Jaws a few month earlier, alone at 2am without batting an eye.

    Friends don't let friends watch Alien alone.

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  23. This was amazing. Great read! I could see every part in the movie as you described it. Lol :)

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  24. Can't take it any more - must post a comment!

    You are my FAVORITE person on the internet right now. An acquaintance of mine linked your post from the first Star Wars movie a couple of days ago, and I've been hooked ever since. LOVE your reviews of these movies, many of which I saw as a kid. My wife has looked at my with concerned / confused eyes many times while I've been reading your posts, due to the unusually high amount of hilarity that has ensued while reading said posts. Also, she might start hitting me for using variations of your phrase of "has not time for your shit." Super bonus points for Barbosa being "disinclined to acquiesce to having time for Jack's shit" and "THE LORD DID SAY HE HATH NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT" :P

    All that said, your friend / handlers are super bad bad bad wicked evil rubbish, filth, slime, muck, booo BOOO BOOOOOOOO people for letting you watch Alien all alone by yourself. As your first horror / suspense film, that was just sick and wrong. However, the sequel, ALIENS, is a totally kick-ass action/suspense film that I think you will really like!

    Only other thing I'll add, is if you handlers are reading this, I would REALLY love for you to work towards having him watch the movie UHF. I think he would totally LOVE it! He's already seen many of the per-requisite movies needed for it all to make sense, but this would be a very worthy goal to work towards.

    Anyways, thanks again for posting all of this. From what I understand from your earlier posts, you're recovering from a pretty serious injury / medical condition, and major props to you for taking what most would be a negative, and turning it into a positive experience for yourself, but also THOUSANDS of people who have been reading these posts.

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    1. He hasn't seen the post counter yet. He has no idea!! We're gonna surprise him with it ^_^

      I don't think I know UHF. I'll ask around.

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  25. For my two cents, glad you finished it! Now you can totally handle Aliens which is by far and away the greatest of the series and is much, much less on the suspense. I watch all kinds of action, suspense, horror, and hack & slash blood fests of films and rarely ever have a problem. Even Alien I took fairly well, but if it is the suspense and what isn't happening in the frame of the movie that bothers you, then definitely stay away from The Blair Witch Project no matter what anyone says. I had trouble sleeping for two weeks and I saw it in a theater full of people. Yes, it is a landmark movie for the found footage genre of movie, but doesn't sit easy if the psychological aspects from Alien were a problem.

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  26. If I were your handler(s) - I would have started with Aliens. It's suspenseful and has the creepy aliens, but also at times hilarious, and has given rise to some great one-liners that are repeated again and again throughout pop culture to this day. I saw Aliens before I saw Alien, and I will watch Aliens over and over but Alien gets a hell no.

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