The Usual Suspects: First impressions

The movie title reminds me of one of my favorite laugh lines from Casablanca, delivered by the police captain, himself the funniest part of a great cast. I have absolutely no idea what to expect from this movie, though. Seriously. I have nothing. Genre? Reason I'm watching? I suspect it's a comedy that makes a lot of references to Casablanca, which could be really good since it's a favorite of mine. Anyway, it's time for me to round up The Usual Suspects. :D

Lion.

And the music says Jeremy's wrong right off the bat. I mean it could still go either way but nope, that's the piano of sadness

This is a lovely theme. It keeps going not where I think it will

There are no women in this movnevermind me there's one

so this is taking place by water. That narrows it down to every big city everywhere. Hooray.

Definitely sets the mood

San Pedro, California

hello smokey

is that gasoline? YUP

annnd a dead man alright then annnd putting it out with pee. That takes balls.

hello trenchcoat

couple of dead guys now

he looks disappointed

so this is Keaton.

Cause of what

cause of you. Hello gun

dramatic already

boat, gas, rope, OHEY

ehat's with the rope

wait

there's a GUY in the ropHELLO FIRE

so this is all flashback?

he's clearly attended the who do I make this joke about class of talking to authorities

so has he

HAHAHAHA hhehe "sure you brought enough guys?"

so wait they actually ARE rounding up the usual suspects, aren't they? :D

what the hell does that mean, Keaton?

David Cooyan. Alrighty.

this looks personal.

ex-cop?

annnd this one's got a limp

short fella

such enthusiasm

SUCH ENTHUSIASM HAHAHAHAHAHA

heheheehe

I understood him, come on

WHAT DAH FAHHHHH hehehehe

you should really just give them the keys

I'd believe it

HHAHAHA I love this cast already they're clearly having fun

so two wiseasses, one who's just tired and pissed

three wiseasses, my apologies

did they just threaten his life?

ex-cop, yes

what did he do

heh. I laughed, I admit it

OHEY that was uncalled for

hehehe he was trying to make a point

so wait was he dead

that's not what I wanted to ask

Keaton kiiiinda scares me

federal crime. innnnnteresting

HAHAHHA

did any of them even do it?

"Verbal?"

sup Roger

haha

well, limped

so wait are they gonna put together a super team?

these two are gonna throw down sometime

seriously the man looks dangerous

loyalty amoung thieves, is it?

THE HELL okay then that looks very bad indeed

allo Jack

who's the other one? what happened to the other three? I WANT TO KNOW

lot of death

wait so Coyan's going to RIGHT it was California

the mayor

oh this is intriguing

who's covering him. besides Satan?

so what do you need

WHAT DOES HE THINK TELL ME ANSWERS

TWENTY SEVEN?

ohhhhh that's really intriguing guys I am stoked RIGHT OKAY SO THIS IS INTERESTING

that guy did

oh wait so that's not one of the guys then

he seems upset

Kaiser Suzy?

hello Roger. What's up

Verbal. Right.

so Keaton was dead and then not and then probably killed by trenchcoat and then they think no?

AHA

hehe guy's annoying

he's like a child trying to be annoying :D

oh YOU are a DICK sir

oh so there IS something to tell! not a rat YET, my boy, but you will be

I wonder what her role in this is

that's the thing about sentencing. the system doesn't ever really take its boot off a criminal's neck

deliberately, I bet

you might want to, you know, answer her

yeahhhh he's in

there's something deep and dark and evil in that man. I'm very intrigued

yeah I suppose you did have to New York's whatnow

ohhh Keaton was his way in. That explains why he doesn't want to rat

WRONG way to say that

they're going after COPS?

I still don't get what the plan is dear shit how does that man live

I would never decorate a place like that.

so he's the planner, what are the roles of the other four in this party

wouldn't need French investors with that, Keaton

this music is great for increasing my tension because I am actually quite tense right now

ahhhhh

that's a clever idea

Vans, hardware (guns?)

HELLO

WHY ARE YOU SAYINGNO HOW WILL THAT HELP YOU

HAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSS

probably just gas

FIFTY DOWN. excellent

I'm rooting for criminals against other criminals

thaaaat weould be a suspicious thing

it's a weird party dynamic, redbeard is like the leader but Keaton's the danger

how can I phrase that

so this is still his recounting, right?

it must be, he's in all these scenes and getting talked about.

she knew he was there

is she legit or

Verbal is a really stupoid nickname

McManus is redbeard, right?

wait he wasn't just corrupt he was a MULTIPLE MURDERER?

yes tell me more about this

it feels really late in the story to be introducing a supernatural element. Juuust saying

slaves?

human trafficing?

OH NOW THIS IS INTERESTING

Kaiser ozay

this means nothing to me but clearly IT'S GONNA

now we're back to this so waht the hell. I don't get this how do they intersect

is Dean Keaton the devil?

and now something new

NOT FROM ME

 yes we got that part

Kobayashi

this just gets more intense, doesn't it

HOW ARE THEY LINKED

Japanese temple?

In a fishing village what the hell

hey guy

see? there's like a leader and a guy who tells the leader to go pound sand

sagfe advice, Redfoot

"I shiv'd him" so straightforward

I feel like Keaton is subtly goading them on

this music is VERY STRESS

oh well NO THIS IS NOT GOOD

THIS IS GOING WRONG

holy balls what a shot

good thing he's got immunity. wait he could be covering for someotne


there is a distinct ack of money

ohhh this is going to go sour

oh now we're going up the ladder

NOPE. SUSPICIOUS

OHSHIT nope don't take that from him

oh you rectum sir

oh now it's coming together, the lawyer is working for the devil

HGERE WE GO

yep. He's covering. For the devil. Who IS Kaiser Sozay?

hwo did you all miss him he was right there

that is a LOT of money

so wait they all know

so he's like a supervillain

wait that was him who did the truck :D

he's got you

so they all pissed off the devil and are going to pay him back in blood


they're all on edge about this

WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY

so this is the boat thing?

seriously Keaton's just the danger. All of the danger.

what is it


oh god what is it

see this is why people are pissed about the privacy stuff. That's inane and terrifOH THAT IS A THREAT IN PHOTOGRAPH FORM

do tell

I like that line.

they do help, though

also the fortitude and the reflexes

well this is unfortunate

WHAT

WHAT

he really IS the devil oh shit

he doesn't look like anyone we know

so the whole tone of the movie just changed now

"I believe in god and I'm afraid of Kaiser Sozay" shhhhhhit he's being blackmailed by the devil

"walk out on a drumstick" yyyikes

IF I TOLD YOU THE LOCK NESS MONSTER WAS AFTER ME hehehe


valid point

up his ass, of course

the super lawyer that's how he got it

man you don\t even want to catch the devil

I saw what happened when they put just a bit of god dust in a box. You do not want the devil in a cage

so Finster ran off

looks pretty dead.

there's that honor among thieves

so Finster, memo to your next life: DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY

yeah but you can only "run" you can'\t "disappear"

what is that accent he's got

god that would be awkward to have to walk like that. of course I should talk.

the power dynamics have shifted. interesting

calling it now, film ends with Keaton pulling the trigger on Verbal

the music is way too epic for an elevator wait.

hehehe elevator music

I don't think I've ever actually heard elevator music

WELL THEN

Good day sir. May we escort you to floor 20

he's got a point

oh no

ohhhh I'm very worried suddenly

so wait

does that make him the devil's advocate? :D

I'm very clever you see

oh wait what

WHAT

SEE THIS IS WHY I WAS WORRIED. YOU DO NOT OUTPLAY THE DEVIL

oh you're a capital grade weasel

haha "kill away"

I thiiiink they ust got told

they just got told

it's a mark of how puzzling this movie is that I now suspect HER of being Kaiser Sozay

annnnd TOLD.

theyre just gonna vanish a death-filled elevator. like it's not even a thing

I don't suspect KEaton. I get that that's the main thrust but I just don't.

so was this a death sentence job then?

that's what a "man of will" would say

IS IT MCMANUS?

DID HE SINK HIS FRIEND JUST TO FUCK WITH THEM?

I just want my answers why woun't you give them to me :(

the boat

here we go it is on

pretty pig boat

so supposedly the other three die here and only Verbal gets out

if it IS the lawyer, then this is a revenge mission and they were all supposed to die, and KEATON SAVES VERBAL THAT FITS THAT'S HOW AND OH SHIT IT IS HER AND HE'LL WALK RIGHT TO HER ON KEATON'S ORDERS

oh that's fantastic

that's it too

that's why they';re setting up KEaton she rushed them out of the lineup because she was close to Keaton and he wasa the lunchpin

or I'm wrong and it's Finster and he faked his own death or it's Kobayashi or the film's not nearly as smart as I';m thinking and it actually is Keaton

or manybe it's nobody and the devil doesn't exist and this is all STRESS

I KNOW THERE WILL BE DEATH


or will there be maybe they get the money and get out!

WHY AM I SPECULATING OH GOD I HAVE BEEN CAUGHT LIKE A SPIDER

no Jeremy, BY a spider. LIKE a flu

this does not look like a good plan

bomb, sniper, what's Keaton going to do?

oh god guys STRESS

I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ANYMOPRE

"old mcdonald shot some guys"

WELL THEN HERE WE GO IT'S ON NOW YOU GUYS

holy shit they're actually doing it

lucky you

and McManus is an unlikely name for a ninja

there is no Sozay, Verbal made it up as a cover for the whole party

no, it's not that kind of movie. This won't be a happy ending for everyone

that's one :(

what was with the light?

so there's the gas

Verbal you're as useless as tits on a bull, you know that?

so she WAS there

here comes the rat

it all comes down now doesn't it

WHAT IS THE STORY

this is all STRESS and it's all coming from NOT KNOWING ANYTHING

well that man looks terrified

the boat is actually pretty damn unnerving I have to say

oh god we're in Kaiservision aren't we

McManus, dog, where is all of this going oh god I need to know now

THE DEVIL IS ON THE BOAT.

seriously boatsd are just like the creepiest thing inside

that would be just the worst thing

so there's nothing and nobody on the boat. Is it a trap? Is it disposal?

would you care for Pepsi? not quite as good, but close

look man's got a gun get him to use it at least

OHGOD NO

WHAT

The devil has found you, guy

so were they cover? was it revenge? Was it both? So lost

get away, Verbal. The ropes

?

WHAT THE FUCK

"strangest thing" death

did he get knifed?

Verbal you should have cut and run when you had the chance

HIDE NOW

that sound of bells was just the most eerie thing right then

don't abuse the man with the limp

he's covering for Keaton?

"how do you shoot the devil in the oh god the hand


"what if you miss"

shivers

don't even know why

this is just intense

show me the face

no beard, it's not McManus

show me the FACE goddammit

This is back where we started and I still feel like I have no answers

Cooyan, this is your problem, resolve it for me

so that's the plan

or was the plan

It was her wasn' t it

or was it KEaton WHERE IS THIS GOING

annnd now Verbals' breaking

OH HERE IT IS IT WAS KE=ATON WAIT WHAT\


what

no

so was she a loose  end then

but then you could identify him COOYAN HOW IS THIS MAKING ANY SENSE

and he's done it before. Of course

so he's what, a pet? that's low

yeaahhhh he's gonna die the film ends with the gunshot

he'll go out with dignity, such as he has left. honor among thieves. all comes down to that, doesn't it

indeed.

Enjoy your immunity while it lasts, Verbal.

So wait did he do the actual kill?

so he got away with the money, then. gold watch

HE DID GET THE MONEY HE'S GOING TO MEET THEM I WAS RIGHT

it was all about not being the usual suspects anymoe, wasn't it

yeah I "organize" like that

and iut's gonna hit him

this is gonna be awesome

come on, figure it out

lies and misdirections! :D

hehehe it's all fake

AHAHAHA RIGHT THERE ON THE CUP

you just got TOLD Cooyan

they wiped their records and got the money

wait


wait wait wait WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

NO WHAT THE HELL

NO WHAT THE FUCKING HELL

NO NO BLOODY SHITTING NO YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME

HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN HOW IS HE KAISER SOZAY

AND THERE'S KOBAYASHI TO SEAL THE DEAL

he even spelled it out for him right like that

and he's gone

Why don't I listen to musical cues? I DO LISTEN TO MUSICAL CUES. NOTHING IN THE MUSIC SAID "FIVE GUYS GOT OUT ALIVE WITH THE CASH AND MADE THE COPS LOOK LIKE CHUMPS." JUST FUCKING NO

I just got deked

Right so I'm going to go do... not this. Right now. I'll come back to this. But just no. Can I use the codeine as an excuse for this because I am sure as hell going to. Just no.