Raiders of the Lost Ark: First impressions

Rangers are keeping the series alive, improbably. Fortunately, no overtime means I've got sufficient time to settle in with another new movie!

(By new, of course, I mean new to me. I know you've all seen everything ever, shut up.)

Raiders of the Lost Ark. Sounds like an adventure movie if ever there was one. You've got adventurers (Raiders) and a dungeon setting (Noah's Ark) with some supernatural elements involved (God loses things for a reason, you know). I have no idea what significance the Ark will play since two of every animal seems like kind of a poor motivation to go raiding. What else was the Ark notable for?

This is all speculation, of course, but I can't see them picking the word "ark" to use and having it not be significant to people's awareness beforehand. I'm pretty damn sure it's going to be an adventure film that's high on the D&D, since so far everything has had at least some element of that.

So in summary, these are my expectations: adventurers, D&D type stuff, Noah's Ark was carrying letters of transit from God or something, God wants them back, someone else wants them too, has decided that God's got time for their shit. Since His involvement has a tendency to make stories quick and dull, He's going to make other people do it for him.

Now then. Let's raid some lost Ark! :D

PAused! Guys guys this is Steven Spielberg! :D You've all been talking about him! Changing the tag on the post, sec

Right. First use of the Steven Spielberg label. Stoked now. :D

I spy with my little eye something that is an adventure party :D

Guys this looks awesome!

Gals too. Let's be fair to everyone here

The music already reminds me of Star Wars. So sold.

They';re being hunted by someone with poison darts.

1936. My kind of eyar :D

a map in multipel pieces guys htis is like the best hits of D&D campaign already so very sold

 NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

I've seen that guy ebfore

DUNGEONCRAWL

HEY GUYS STHATS HAN! :D OH MY GOD THIS IS ALREADY LIKE THE BEST THING

well that's no good

WELL THEN THAT'S REALLY NO GOOD

I mean look I'm fine with spiders but that was a LOT of spiders

oooh traps? :D

YEP

oh shut up

badass. guy's liek that other character.

guy come on it's a dungeon. All the traps.

Yesssss floor trap :D

I was expecting a pit

this is an amazing set

they made all this I mean it's so cool you guys

a golden treasure but what's with the oh wait

ahhhhh clever

WELL NO

MOTHERFUCK he's got Reflex saves the music is SO star wars

DON'T GIVE HIM THE THING

NO HE WON'T

see?

he doesn't look like Han from all the angles no wonder I didn't recognize him

well that took no time. good job, dumbass

HOLY BALLS

HAHAHHAHA I made a pun

guys this is already sthe best thing why is this new to me

Well hello tribe of murderers

you sir are just a butthole

seriously that's the cockiest introduction I've ever seen

"Hovitos?" sounds like Spanish for eggs

maniacal laugh, golden idol from a doom temple... we've got villain alert guys

they're terrible shots

it's so very Star Wars. the music

BUTTS

swing anbd a miss

This is a great heroic theme :D

right so I'm already COMPLETYELY solSNAKE ON THE PLANE????

and now he's a teacher. we call that a career step down. with apologies to my teachers :D

wait her eyelings say Love mom?

Skipping back a sec to check that

Love you WELL THAT'S EXTREMELY NOT APPROPRIATE nice going Han.

I don't even know his name yet

I'm sure that's not true, Marcus.

So the badguy is Bullock or Bellock

Dr. Jones. The occult, eh?

INDIANA JONES good lord I'm a dumbass the whip

man don't interrupt that's rude

this is true, actually. Sort of. If I'm remembering history class right it was Himmler who was obsessed with the Grail and other legends

OHO WE'RE GOING TO EGYPT

who parks a boat in Cairo. That's not helpful.

the what now

well then, I'm now lost. I don't think I've ever heard of WELL THEN ANY OF THIS. this is legit yes?

Oh that God, so wrathful

guys this is Nazis and legendary treasures and we're going hunting for Ravenwood aren't we :D

AND A LOST STAFF FIRST oh this is a D&D game gone WWII who has kept all of this wonder from me you all know who you are and I will revenge

cool picture

A BOX FULL OF THE POWER OF GOD. Maybe don't let Hitler have AND IT MAKES ARMIES INVINCIBLE well yeah don't let him have that then

just saying, the Ark of the Noah would have come close

Abner is a really old sounding name, just saying oh well now ther'e s a she

Thank you, the music, for telling me there's a girl and a BOX FULL O' GOD

Hi Han.

So what he just plays the same guy in every movie? Because I WOULD BE VERY OKAY WITH THIS :D

Dapper chap, isn't he? Love the hat

hello glasses aren't you a badguy then

Man, back when air travel was civilized

That's a thing I would love to experience.

This reminds me of Casablancsa's intro

Nepal! LEt's go scale Everest :D

She's cute

and faking

HAHAHAHAHAHA

so he looms large as a shadow in her life, eh? thanks for the obvious

WELL HELLO THEN

Dplomacy ranks could use work, Indiana.

And we have a new party member with bad history

"worthless" to "3000" in ten seconds flat

I'll pay you more money at the end. Are we going to Alderaan?

 I love the sound of wind filled with snow

family keepsake much?

WELL HI THERE

man you're a frog in a hat

AND VERY CREEPY GO AWAY

thought she left it in plain sight

oh that took no time to get awful

man I hate this guy HELLO JONES

you took his HAT?? WHAT KIND OF HELP ARE YOU

solves yoru fire problem

HAHAHAHA have a drink

nice they could agree on something

OH OW FUCK NO THAT'S OH OWW

hell of a way to recruit, Indiana.

love the trumpet and strings :D

this is just a glossy romantic well now it's Egyptian

guys the music is faster than me

who's this guy HELLO A MONKEY :D

oh the flirting

Salla? Oh so the Nazis are already here

Bellock's here with the Nazis. I suppose that had to hapWELL OF SOULS. SO D&D IT'S AWESOME

"our baby" HAHAHAHAHA loving the banter. fond of the moneky now are we?

subtext with fruit. fun

what

guys there's a Nazi monkey.

everyone's dapper

"the most gifted bum" oh the jokes

these guys are just a comedy of errors and the music's weirdly impish

you guys just suck

HAHAHHAHAH HE WHIPPED THE CART AWAY

WHAT IS WITH HIS MOUTH

CLANG

"this is the best plan" said nobody ever

oh fuck you monkey

oh this guy looks badass

HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHH OH WELL THEN. CHAOTIC. NEUTRAL. LOVE IT

"SWORD" "gun" "awwww well"

I suppose that's one way to search

or you could follow the ONE THAT SCREAMS

NOPE LET'S NOT

what

what

guys did they just blow up the girl

oh go fall in a hole and die, monkey. It's all your fault anyway\

you know what I like? subtitles.

Well if it isn't Smug Asshole.

right because it stopped him last time

he's got like a bong or something

HAHAHA TOLD, Bellock

"I'm your shadow reflection" that seems not completely invalid

oh that's interesting

that would be even more interesting than a HAHAHA you're a badasswhat

all the guns what the hell

 Nice pull, Salla

 cold, man

AGAIN with the Nazi monkey "uh oh"

man don't put hot sauce on that, people want to eat that

oh oh the guy;s hand! :D

when it burned!

Dietrich, eh?

Well of Souls I still love it guys this movie is great

do treasures ever have maps that say Please Come Get Me I'm Up For Grabs

THEY GOT IT WRONG :D

oho. take that, monkey

whoops I dropped that. That too. And him. I'm so clumsy. Don't mind me.

The music is so ... gravitas and eerieness

well that's bad.

why would all that dust be there, Bellock should have swept it off already

he's not very good at his job. now I see why he just steals from Indiana Joness

Nothing's happening but it';s still SO TENSE I AM SO SOLD GUYS L:D

awesome

HAHAHHAA well you don't usually see that at the end of a rope

I just laughed at the Nazi flag.

I'm a bad person

OH HEY :D

yes you do?

oh come on man chaotic neutral at a time like this?

that was gag-ese for YOU';RE A DICK

That's German for "turtured"

OH NOT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF

oh what just in plain sight like that? your plan is bad

Oh look, Gozer's coming to visit

"quick, before the marshmallow comes"

man he looks insane

oh hey Zuul

OH WHAT I DO NOT LIKE THAT QUESTION

I DO NOT LIKE THAT ANSWER
\
"why is it snakes" HAHAHA

you know if he wasn't working with Nazis I'd consider it a moral horse-race between Jones and Bellock right now.

that was an odd decision

perv

AND SNEAKY :D

oh no no no I would not do that nooooo

HOLY SHIT NO

man shut up you don't even know

"that's not my name anymore, I don't know who he's talking to"

is he pouring gas on snakes THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE FIRE SNAKES MAN DON'T EVEN

she's gonna pull the drink thing again isn't she :D

if Salla betrays him I'm gonna be bitterly unsurprised. Know which characters the DM runs, Indiana.

no idea which one's playing which. both?

YOU'RE JUST THE WORST

nunchucks? really?

SO DAMN CREEPY

SO EXCITED

fire snakes a-coming

oh COME ON

that's just horrifying

man you're a disease.

OH GOD IN THE SHOE GROSS

.seee Bellock? Don't make deals with the devil, he's got more guns

NOT THE TIME MAYBE GUYS

GROSS

HOLY MOTHER NO COME ON

OH FRUCK WHY COME ON DON'T DO THAT there is just no exuse for the screaming nosie

so there was an easy way in is what you';re telling me. always a back door.

dogfight? :D

The music is so Star Wars I can taste it

hey look it's Nazi Fezig

HAHAHHAHAA DICK KICK

okay he's nowhere near as big as HAHAHA AWESOME

OHSIT

Go Marian! It's your party now

oh that won't be good

oh is it going to YES YES IT DID.

LOVE IT LOVE THE THEME LOVE THE EVERYTHING

that truck

where are we heading next? so excited

NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

Sorry I haven't been commenting but this is just so great I have nothing else to say :D

guys get the message you WILL get rammed by a truck

now it's just them and Indy. And Spiderman

OH GOD THAT would just be the wost thing

PAyback, bitch

WITH INTEREST

how does the music manage to be this kickass?

Guy you're a dick

That was a burn I think

you wacky old fart

 HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

oh something's about to get going on isn'tg it

this is a novel game

don't even try it though

not what I was thinking of man I've got a filthy mind

Way to go, Jones. You sure know how to impress the Zzzzzz...

annnd we have a crazy rat

WHAT THE FUCK

Goddamn NAzis.

would you stop leaving her behind

Where's Waldo :D

it's like an outdickery competition

cRAZY BADASS I LOVE IT

HAHAHA THE SALUTE

Greece?
I think that's Greece.

HELLO GRAB

get a fatter guy next time Jones

couldn't resist, could you

Oh this is going to be awesome I am so excited for this :D

either that or a flop but I feel like it's the other kind of movie and I'm comfortable with that bet at this point :D

I LOVE that spooky theme

WHAT THE FHAHAHAHHAAH YESSSSSSSSSS

look at that smile

oh come on don't listen to him he's a rectum and everything he says is flatulence. HE WILL SHOOT YOU

you're gonna do it again you moron

every flipping time

It occurs to me that the God of the Hebrews might not like you radio'ing him with Nazi pennants everywhere

HERE WE GO :D

what's it going to be ??? SO EXCITED YOU GUYS

TELL THEM OFF, GOD

dust

it's the other kind of movie. well ffffffuck.

I'm with you, creepy gywait what the

HOLY BALLS WHAT'S GOING ON

you shut off the grid you morons

OH WHAT NO NO NO

WHAT THE HELL

THE FUCK

AND THE LORD DID SAY HE HATH NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

that was better than I could have imagined holy balls you guys

just shaking from that his HEAD MELTED

you're going to look into it again?: bad plan

right yess you're the government you've got top men.

...okay so I need to know what's in every single one of thos boxes like right now

holy smokes that's

ADVENTUROUS THEME AGAIN :D

I've got to say, that was just solid gold. The music's incredible, the film's just so fast and it's all freaking awesome. I'm so glad I didn't wait.

Second thoughts after I rest on that. Goodnight all! :D