Sunday, June 8, 2014

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi predictions

Well, now that I've been blown to pieces (and corrected on the title of the last film) it's time for me to get on with it. I need the ending of this series and I need it right now, but I'm not going to deny interested parties one last good chance to laugh at my wrongness before we go in.

I'm so not ready for this.

• They're going to save Han

• We're finally going to meet Jabba the Hut. I'm picturing a physically intimidating, towering sort of alien with mandibles or claws or just... something buglike. I just hear that "jab" sound in the name and all I can think of is some kind of sharpness. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's not going to be just another human. Is Jabba even a he? That would be an interesting development, to have the dreaded master pirate be a lady or a lady alien.

• Han's going to take down Jabba in either a gunfight straight out of Westerns or a ship-to-ship fight between the Millennium Falcon and Jabba's own scary pirating ship.

• Jabba's base will be the first arc of the movie. I think it will be a space station, though obviously much smaller than the Death Star or DEATH TRIANGLE.

• New planets. I said last time that I wanted an ocean planet and I stand by that. We get two planets per movie, it seems, so... if we had a cold planet last time, how about a volcano planet? That would make for a hell of a showdown if Jabba the Hut's lair is over volcanoes and lava and they have to dogfight over that.

• I'm not putting anything beyond the reach of the (original) special effects team at this point. They own everything.

• I don't know, I get a sort of ancient civilizations vibe from "Hut." Not just because it's a cheap house, but because it reminds me of Hittites and Egyptian deities and everything in between. A sort of pseudo-Middle Eastern vibe where Jabba's like this fierce corsair would make sense.

• Serious Dangerous Man will be Jabba's right hand man and will be the sort of "bridge" villain between Jabba and Vader.

• They're going to attack the heart of the Empire to capture or kill the emperor himself and they'll have to get through the DEATH TRIANGLE to do it.

• HAN IS NOT DEAD that is all

• I don't want to make this prediction but I feel like it's just too accurate to not say in advance that I guessed it. I really don't want to, but here it is anyway: Vader said that only hate can take him down. Luke's going to turn to the Dark Force because it's easier and it's the only way he can destroy Vader. In their final confrontation he'll set it up so that they both die and everyone else live. Luke's going to sacrifice himself to destroy Vader and protect his friends from him becoming Vader Jr.

• I'm not ready for any of this

• Those cool Rebellion ships from the end of Empire Strikes Back are going to come into play for the final battle against the DEATH TRIANGLE.

• Yoda's going to join the fight in the end. I feel like he might go the same way as Obi-Wan, though.

• Lando joins the party and is awesome. Power of the cape.

• Luke's going to confront Vader over the awful secret of doom and Vader's just going to mock him relentlessly.

• This is going to be Force versus Dark Force like I've never seen before.

• I'm just not ready for any of this.

• I need this movie in my life right now.


Okay that's enough predictions I don't even have a pizza for this but I don't care I'm making do with Roomie's godly burger and fries and we're now off to the races I WILL BE SAD WHEN THERE IS NO MORE STAR WARS.


  1. Hey. I will simply say I like these articles,

    Also without specifying, most of your predictions are right, a few part correct part incorrect. One is wrong. Remember the big slug-like lard of fat alien talking to Han in the first of those movies? That was Jabba, whom I believe was addressed by name.

    No worries if you don't recall it. But I think you'll love RoTJ. Personally that's my favorite.

    1. That scene is only in the "special edition" and it was horrid scene. It seems like he's watching the original version like it's supposed to be watched in :)

  2. Gabe: I think his roommate made him skip that scene. For special edition related reasons.

    You actually did predict one very astute thing, though! Jabba's not exactly male. He uses male pronouns, but his species is hermaphroditic.

  3. On there being "no more Star Wars." What you've said is true... from a certain point of view.

    A brief overview on how much more Star Wars is out there to consume:

    There are 3 more movies, Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Episode II: Attack of the Clones, and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Although visually stunning, with a great cast, and many good scenes, the prequel trilogy on the whole doesn't live up to the very high bar set by the Original Trilogy. There are some awesome action scenes and set pieces and the special effects continue to be the best in the industry (only now they're the best in the industry circa turn of the millennium, not circa 1980). On the whole I think you should watch these, eventually. The music continues excellent.

    There are two different cartoons both similarly named. One is The Clone Wars and is traditional cel-shaded animation style, by a very well-regarded animator named Genndy Tartatovsky. It's short and action-packed and story-light. The other is Star Wars: Clone Wars, which is 100% computer-generated graphics. Despite a rough first season, I quite liked this cartoon and really enjoyed the additional depth it gives to the story between Episode II and Episode III.

    There's a metric boatload of computer games. The best of these are Knights of the Old Republic and Knights of the Old Republic II, which are by BioWare (a very good computer game studio) and take place something like 1000 years before the movies. They don't hold up that super well gameplay wise, but the stories are solid.

    There are more novels and comics than I can shake a stick at. They are of EXTREMELY variable quality. I can't recommend any of them, but I know a lot of people love 'em. I suggest you avoid this whole deal until and unless you decide that you want to go All-In as a card-carrying Star Wars Fan and make it your life's passion. (There are people who do this. There's a lot of Star Wars out there; you almost never can run out.)

    I also need to pimp the current Star Wars (tabletop) RPG. The Star Wars: Edge of the Empire Beginner Game won an award!

  4. Also on the topic of more Star Wars, I think the things that I have found the most like the original movies in quality and tone were the Star Wars novels by Timothy Zahn -- Heir to Empire, Dark Force Rising, and The Last Command. If you're still hungry for Star Wars after you finish Jedi, that's what I'd pick up next and read.

  5. Since you game, ask around to see if anyone has the sourcebooks for the d6 Star Wars game. That show you were talking about in the first movie? the full expanded universe and hundreds and hundreds of races await you.

  6. There's always Episode VII to look forward to...

  7. There is ALWAYS more Star Wars. Ninety percent of it is crap, in accordance with the universal law, but there's plenty of Star Wars material outside the movies that's worth it. For your benefit, I've come up with a list of the Best of the EU. This is a fairly conservative list - there's stuff that's not on it that you could argue should be, but there's definitely nothing on it that shouldn't be.

    The Thrawn Trilogy (Heir to the Empire, Dark Force Rising, The Last Command): Set a few years after Return of the Jedi, these books focus on the war between the New Republic and a resurgent Galactic Empire led by the military genius Grand Admiral Thrawn. For a long time, they were regarded as being the unofficial episodes VII, VIII, and IX.

    Starfighters of Adumar: The penultimate book of the X-wing series, and the best in it. It's effectively a standalone action-comedy novel. The neutral planet of Adumar has decided to join either the Empire or New Republic, and because their culture venerates starfighter pilots, several veteran pilots of the Galactic Civil War have been sent as diplomats. The funniest, most quotable Star Wars novel by far.

    Star Wars: Legacy: Set over a hundred years after the movies, this comic focuses on Luke Skywalker's cynical bounty-hunter great-grandson, Cade Skywalker, who's caught up in a three-way galactic war. It's generally full of awesome and win.

    Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: An award-winning CRPG. Four thousand years before the movies, the Galactic Republic is under attack by the evil Darth Malak and his Sith Empire. You travel the Star Wars galaxy in your own personal Millennium Falcon, leading a crew of Jedi, droids, and assorted misfits, as you defend the Republic against the Sith and seek to find the source of Malak's seemingly infinite armada.

    Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Seasons 3-6): A CGI animated show focusing on the wartime adventures of a young Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker. The pilot movie and first season were generally regarded as being too childish, but starting in season two the show rapidly began to climb in quality, and seasons three through six are pretty much universally acclaimed. Unlike pretty much everything else on this list, The Clone Wars is also part of the new canon, so it won't be contradicted by anything further down the road.