Terminator: The Terminator first impressions

Two Terminator movies back to back means it's time for a new post tag. Rumor has it this movie is just full of catchphrases I should know. Who knows? At any rate, it's time for The Terminator and I to get acquainted.

Coming in, here's what I know:

• There's a person called The Terminator. It's not a machine or group or idea or chemical or any other noun.

• With a name like that, I'm expecting a superhero, maybe a violent one like The Punisher. The Terminator sounds way more brutal.

• It's full of famous lines.

• It's probably a dark film, since I saw the side of the DVD case and it was all black.

• I think this was listed as a famous sci-fi series, so we're back to the type of movie that started it all. This excites me :D

Enough out of me, let's hear from... well still me I suppose but you get the point. Did you know after the Ghostbusters near-debacle, Roomie won't let me put on a DVD alone? I'll have to post one day about how much "ritual" goes into setting me up with a movie. I get the sense an unspoiled viewer is a really rare thing among the geek crowd.

MGM LION. Blaaaargh

Stars alread it's just a logo nevermind me

THE FUTURE

looks like total crap what gives

LASERS

futurecopters!

future tanks!

future war robots!

future PILE OF SKULLS OKAY THEN

ohhh guys I'm stoked for this I love the premise

the rhythm in this music is just bizarre

is that it's not 6/8

I'm just fascinated by this music guys

it's not dramatic, it's not tragic, it's not hopeful, it's... I don't have a word

THE TERMINATOR

Well alright here we go! Really excited now

I have nothing witty to say about a bulldozer

OH SHIT IT'S THE EMPEROR

or a naked guy

we begin with a large naked man and some lightning.

and that's a butt.

is this the Terminator, or the badguy

I believe these are "punks." Edith can you check that for me, are these "punks?"

and that's a penis

well yes it's clearly not cold out.

today on easy solutions for nudity WELL THEN

"Why yes I would love to get naked for you, I'm so glad you asked"

didn't think I'd be writing that today

man if you want to hit Luke, AIM at Luke

maybe you did

this guy's like a rotisserie chicken

also nude. Is this going to be a trend, because if so I'd like to order a couple of ladies

there's something wrong wiht his shoulder

he's RABBITING?

"THAT SON OF A BITCH TOOK MY PANTS" love it already

music's overly dramatic for a pants thief

"AND HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDIG UP"

man cops have no time for your shit

 TIME right he's a time traveler from the future!

where they don't wear clothes because that would be silly. skulls, lasers and no clothes.

good searching, bud

yeah just borrow it

so this one's desperate, the other one's murderous

the big one's the Terminator and this is a future criminal

Sarah Connor

bet that's her

who's the genius? it's me

BUMBUMBUMBUM well then. maybe he's the badguy and the other's a fugitive

yeah this is a reasoable way to enter a vehicle

worst waitress or worst restaurant

OH WELL THAT'S A THING TO DO go to hell brat

oh that was a time referrnec

fresh out, sorry

are they going to have an epic war in the streets of LA? FROM THE FUTURE? :D

Fezzik Jr. Jr. Jr. has NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

well now. Two gentleman callers in one day. FROM THE FUTURE  no less

OKAY THAT ANSWERS EVERYTHING

so he's The Terminator AND The Badguy

\hehhe "you're dead hunny"

the other one wants to protect her from him, then. That's my guess

nice transition

oh god crawling through skulls no thanks

this whole vision of future war is just stark and bleak it's icnredible

SHIT

still don't get what this has to do with her. who are they fighting again?

just gonna wince right now ad leave it

HHAHAHAHHA YOU SIR ARE AN ASS

yes yes it is

hahaha old cop sass

here we go



you know where we're off to now BECAUSE I SURE DO :D

explains the ungodly hair

uncommonpet choice


DON'T DO THAT to epopel

tacky looking bike I HEAR HIM COMING

"where's that bacxkground music coming from?"

oh it's the other one it's so on now EXCITED :D

yeah he knows. he also knows that he's got NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

The cops are really on the ball here

guy, you don't deserve sex with music liek that

"YO MAMMA" love it

you're next, lady

always hang sings backwards, it's more helpful. exercises the wrist action

yeah guy, look creepy. that won't get her running

bitch. so glad cells exist

Hey fella. Missed ya

she's not long for this world i thinkl

hey hey don't diss the lizard

nope

HOLY BALLS GUYS

the laser seems kind of unnecessary

OH GOOD JOB YOU JUST SOLD YOURSELF OUT

well you're right but kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy

and now he's got a picture too. Excellent job Sarah

your optimism is staggering, Old Cop

"I'm you rprisoner" can't leave.

HE's got NO TIME FOR YOUR COVER CHARGE

right so she hasn't seen the scary one just the creepy one. faaaaaaaantastic

OH SHIT HERE IT COMES

WHY IS HER AFTE R HER

HELLO EVIL SUPERMAN IT'S A NICE DAY

that whole public place thing really workg out for you nao

"COme with me if you weanna live" I've hear dthat one befor!

HE'S A ROBOT

SHIT

STRESS GUYS

nah he's fine

bit too much iron in his system, but he's fine

now that I know, he looks really inhuman. like the face skin tone

LISTEN TO CRAZY BASTARD HE KNOWS THE RULES

WELL YOU DON'T SAY. THANKS REESE.

he's gonna end up in pieces isn't he

FUTURE

what's she do??? TELL ME I WANNA KNW

101

WAS THAT COP ANOTHER ONE???

still don't know why we want her

"I don't know tech stuff" you sure fooled me sir

there's a political joke there

 WWII analogy. Unmcomfortable.

he's trying to kill Future Jesus's mom. Got it

GUYS THIS IS STRESS

HE JUST EXPOSITION HE CAN DIE NOW

101 just looks liek such a mosnter now completely inhuamn

youd think a furtue robot would be a better shot\

he's still out there

Hey Old Cop! :D

oh well you're going to be helpful arn't you. big yawn of confidence

gross. guess it can get iunjured though

uhhh alright so that's just eghhhh I feel queasy lookign at that

you guys aren't qualified for future stuff. go home

this is a clever way to exposition

that's... heavy. one way mission. hell of a death sentence

OH FUCK NO WE'RE NOT

NOT EYES. DON'T WITH EYES

OH WHAT THE HELL. NO. PAUSE.

UNPAUSE. BETTER PAUSE. WHY AM I DUMB

okay so look I just need to say: not eyes. I've seen a lot of ugly injuries and been party to a few myself but never eyes and I'm just really really queasy when it comes to eyes. yes it's all very excellent practical effects because I feel completely gross about what I just saw and it's like this packed tension right in my neck and at the top of my spine from just shudders. so can we just maybe not eyes? okay? not eyes.

OH HEY I've seen this character before somewhere :D

I'm part of things now.

allll figured out eh genius?

Reese fails Diplomacy forever.

bodyarmor plus PCP. cause those usually go hand in hand.

why does that sound like tomorrow's body count

oh don't let him get out of it. he shoulda been first

man he's like German Vader's Casual Friday

THAT'S THAT LINE NOW I KNOW THAT LINE YESSSSSSSSSSHIT YES :D

MOTHER LADY THAT is a way to do thing

28
27

24
22
No not Old Cop we need him

20

19

oh elll no no no no noHERE HE COMES

lost count\

get out get oug get out NOW NOW NOW

NOT OLD COP YOU MO{THERFUCKER

DON'T LOOK

sometimes the music's just weird

free ditch car! may come with unwanted attention from future robot serial killer.

was this all one night? that's

hi Kyle. Think I'll call you Reese.

yes that is what he means how perceptive

you're going to be an unreasonable helicopter parent aren' tyou

highest expectations ever

that would be really weird, yeah

oh you know what? he totally delivered his dad to his mom

there's something horrifying in the look on her face right there. first of many to come. sells it so easily.

oh hey it's skulltopia again because i didn't have enough of that

uh no, inappropriate, don't do that.

only one channel and always the same show

this is depressing and stressful. it's so effective. now we know why he volunteered.

no, NOW e know. Soldier in lover

HOLY HELL

does that actually happen?

eerie transition. guys I'm so stress right now

I TOLD YOU ABOUT EYES

oh god the smell the flies ewwww

TOLD by a Terminator

want a last meal before you face Casual Vader?

it'll stop Terminators NO TIMES OUT OF TEN. NOT EVEN ONCE. HAVE FUN WITH IT.

don't tell her anything she's not the boss of you

OH HE'S THERE ALREADY ISN'T HE

what

what no

oh well crap. This is not ideal.

he's making nitroglicerin?

yeah it really put the F U in fun

well if you're going to help him then OF COURSE HE WILL

totalyl going to happen I'm such a genius

so smart am I let us celebrate through the use of dance

if you guys bang, don't do it near the explosive tubes okay? or they will too

here we go

while I';m being a 12 year old boy I may as well just point out hat I don't find her attractive at all. Tastes differ I suppOH HEY I HEAR A 101

NOT AROUND BOMBS YOU MORON

NO TIME FOR YOUR SEAT.

the guy playing the 101 is so friggin' hard edge it's awesome

I expected bigger explosions.

OH CRAP oh this is bad this is bad lookk I know she's gonna live but IN HOW MANY PIECES IS REESE GOING TO BE

.what no she's gonna survive it's not that kind of movie

whoops

DON'T IVE HIM A TRUCKL

you gave him a truck I told you not to do that

AGAIN WITH THE EYE

he just looks like a hell zombie now

THAT'S A N OIL TRUCK

ioh god the cheek

oh god the stress release just feels so good

NO FUCK NO

DIE ALREADY

STOP IT, MUSIC

STP THREATENNG ME

where's Reese

come on we can win this one with two

thank god DON'T MAKE HIM ANOTHER ONE

oh that would be the worst don't do it

NO NO NO SHIT NO

WHAT THE HELL DOE SIT TAKE

STOP BEING NOT DEAD

THE MUSIC IS INVITED TO STOP DOING THAT THANK YOU
\
this shotuldn't be this creep y

YOU'RE THE WORST

HOW WILL THAT HELP RUN YOU MORON

ohgodthe msuic is even worse now stop it everythjing

why didn't you do that EARLIER WHO TRIES TO BAT A ROBOT IN THE HEAD

knew it had to hapNO OOOO NOT NO STOP SHIT NO

okay

that's it

no more red light it's gone

need to remember to breathe sometimes. all hail surround sound for scaring the crap out of me

cold.

she's a badass now isn't she

corny lines now?

THE PHOTO

understatement of the year, kid

and then the music to remind us all that all that was to JUST GIVE HUMANS A CHANCE. EVENTUALLY. POST-APOCALYPSE. Folks, practical effects are so so so good and NOT THE EYES okay? just for future reference.