Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure: First impressions

One of my lovely readers made a donation of a most unusual kind: a "god-burrito." So I'll be seeing that for dinner today and it should be quite the thing. If it's half as godly as the rumor suggests, I'll be a pretty happy fella.

Folks, I just watched another Usual Suspects and I'm feeling the need for simple. Something to relax the ol' brain. Besides the codeine, I mean. Hopefully this film will be... dare I say... Excellent? :D

As everyone has come to expect from me, I don't know this movie. Actually neither does Roomie, but he's out today so he said he'll watch it on another occasion. I'm kind of surprised, honestly, it's always seemed to me like Roomie knows every movie. Anyway, it's preset for me and I'm up and ready to go. Let's get to the movie. :D

Oh hey, the Terminator stars are back.

Synth music. Alright. Oh hey it's a song EXCELLENT adventure I understand what's with the starbrst

There's a screensacer coming out of it

Looks like a wacky tiled clock

Hello. The future, eh? Thank you.

Bowling averages up, eh? Did the Dude move there?

Wyld Stallyns? THESE are the great ones? Hello Bill Esquire

Hello Ted Theodore Logan. Daffy nme you got there

You're wild something alriught

Oh look, they bought Doc Brown brand amps

1988. Thank you.

There is nothing excellent abot that circular logic of yours, boys, but okay then

Also they can make electric guitar riffs out of thin air. I would take that superpower

Well he was

Mastered that skill, haven't you Ted

NOAH';S WIFE. LOVE IT. I HAVE FOUND THE BRAIN TRANSPLANT VOLUNTEERS

Takes a special skil to know that "guys" means "specifically you two morons"

That guy looks like Rocky's blonde kid

SOCRATIC METHOD. Great leader. Powerful Jedi was he.

Homeworked. Excellence in adventuring will need to wait.

MOST HEINOUSLY INDEED

That's a MOM? You know there's a term for this, yes? Because I know there's a term for this and so does my inner twelve-year old

That guy's got the most vacant expression in the history of always. Your dad is a rectum, Ted

Why would you send your kid off to Alaska. That's a dick move

Hello 80s version of cool type people HELLO SPECIAL EFFECTS.

A phone box. Oh for fuck's sake who uses a phone box to travel in time

Fine, it's got a door and you can punch in numbers, but come on, CAR. FLUX TRANSISTOR. LOTS AND LOTS OF MILES PER HOUR

You do realize you've got a theme song, Missy WELL IT IS GOING SUPERIOR FOR YOU, BEARDY, YOU'RE MARRIED TO THAT

IN HIS ROOM?

MARCO POLO. MORE THAN A WATER SPORT. Learning.

So this is their brilliant plan. Poll random passers by until GOZER APPEARS

NOT BAD indeed.

Esquire. What doe s that even mean? HE IS HERE TO HELP WITH THEIR HOMEWORK

THEY ARE INDEED AFOOT. AT THE CIRCLE Kthose guys have already gone back in time

I finally understand what Int as a dump stat looks like

How did they even OH. OH. Right.

Well then. I'm officially sold. If nothing else it'll be funny as shit and I'm on baord with that :D

Bodacious. These are words?

THE NODS ARE JUST THE FACE OF STUPID

This is a far out visual and I'm in much favor of it

Oh fuck am I talking like them THEY HAVE SUBSTANTIAL VOCABULARIES FOR BEING VCOMPLETE MORONS

I see a short, not-dead dude

Did they just kidnap Napoleon through time of course they did

That's tremendously unfair. Marty McFly was allowed to go back to the past future.

MOST UNUSUAL. Oh look it's raining French military commanders

They really are going to go out and collect historical YEP.

On board with this.

Still loving that superpower.

Captain Rectum Dad has his own hat

Oh right it's also a phone boxI'M NEW DUDE. SIR.

Loving the music in the background. It's just what you'd want for a movie like this

That's the inside of an umbrella

ZUUL.

Old Westrian? IT's not another planet

My grandfather still greets people with "howdy." It's charming HE DID NOT EVEN CARD US. LET US REMEMBER THIS PLACE. I suspect the new management will be less generous, boys

No that's Billy the Violent Adult

Mr. the Kid. Of course. Wait so what were they supposed to get out fo the deal

Well that went very well indeed. Good job Billy the Idiot.

We're just gonna sit here, hang out, everything's excellent.

That's using their heads

THAT'S NOT EVEN A THING YET is it?

No it's not IS THIS MOVIE MAKING ME DUMBER

Does it count as their report if other people do it because that's what they're scheming aren't they

Trouble is there's no way Socrates speaks english

HAHAHAHHAA it's under So Crates

You boys are indeed very truly wise

Oh it's on now. I don't know what it is.

I doubt real Socrates was ever that happy about anything.

I'm just grinning like a fool now WELL THAT MAKES IT EASY DOESN'T IT.

That means they were historically married HE'S the ladies man? And they decided on this method

AC 20. Bad puns do not deserve the air riff, boys

Wait are they doinTHEY'RE DOING STAR WARS OH MY GOD I GET IT :D

Well done Bill. Always thinking with your

I can't even finish that sentence

That strikes me as unfortunate. It struck him much more severely of course

Bogus AND heinous. MOST nontriumphant. Well observed, William.

YOU MEDIEVAL DICKWEED hahahahaha :D

MY name is Bill Montoya. You killed my friend. Prepare to get bogused.

That makes no sense DID THEY JUST CALL EACH OTHER FAGS that's exceedingly backward.

There's an echo in here.

Right yes the bedroom that won't upset anyone

Hey look, I found some horrible old ROYAL UGLY DUDES love it

he just duke ted why he could have the difference between Int 4 and Int 3 is marked thusly EXECUTE THEM. Why was the iron maiden excellent, though

YOU DON'T SAY.

what OH RIGHT THEY HAVE ALLIES WE HAVE A PARTY

Who else are they supposed to collect, anyway?

AWAY, SHEEP. SO CRATES COMMANDS IT

Can you imagine LOSING your time traveling phone box somewhere? That would suck. Say what you will about Marty, he never lost his car PARTY ON DUDE indeed.

Will that disrupt the whatchayes.

It IS them. How did you know PHFHHAHAA "who are we?"

There's something overwrought and yet so ... fucking APPEALING to this music. :D

They're founding future religion, aren't they

Suddenly Sta r Trek's future looks far more reasonave by comparison and THEY have submarine boat whistle tsignals and use data tapes for things

FUCK YOU, THIS IS NAPOLEON'S ICE CREAM

He miiiiight murder all of you for that

TIME IS A ROLLER COASTER

They did Austria already. Why are we back

FROOD. Yessss let us have the psychology

Yeah they just lasso'd themselves a Freud. I love how Billy the Kid's just straight uo complict in this and this is beautiful music I always had a soft spot for Classical. Who wrote the Fur Elise, anyway. I mean it was obviously that guy but TAKE A BOW, SO CRATES.

Who's France, now. Napoleon, CharleRIGHT

God has answered your prayers in the form of rock morons from 500 years in the future.

They need more space in that box, it's looking fucking cramped.

HAHAHAHAHAHA OHHH FUCK NO WHAT

PAUSED

Ohhhh ohoh okay so look IT HURTS TO LAUGH ohhhh crap all I'm saying aloud is variations on ohhh fuckity fuck because DO YOU WANT A TWIKIE GENSGHIS KHAN??

Alright, lime creamsicle retrieved, laughter subsided. I think we're ready to go back.

They just candygrammed the most famous US president. Second most famous maybe

Exceeded max occupancy, dumbasses. Also broken umbrella thingy

That's french for FUCK YOU, IT'S NAPOLEON'S TURN and he bowls using HISEMFL.

This could be problematic. Napoleon's lost and they're in buttfuck nowhere, timeline wise

GOODS CIXING SKILLS, BILL

a wad of chewing gum.

THE MACE HIT, THAT'S HOW seriously you guys need a bigger box.

Ah now I get to know this part :D

RIGHT BECAUSE IT HELPED LAST TIME. THIS TIME. Time travel, I swear

Dave Beefoven. Maxime of Ark. Herman the Kid. Bob Ghengis Khan. So Crates Johnson. Dennis Fern.

and Abraham Lincoln. VERY SUBTLE.

Uses for famous historical figures, there are just so many. Also that's a dick notion, Missy.

WHY ARE THEY NOT AT SCHOOL

They lost Napoleon. That's worriesome.

Look for signs of conquest and empire. That should help.

OF COURSE THERE'S A PLACE CALLED WATERLOO. BECAUSE THAT'S NOT SILLY A T ALL

And so fell the Napoleonic Empire. Right down the drain

God water slides are the best

He really is a dick though

HE's just telling kids to let him go ahead?

Annd now the rest of history has vanished. Joan of Arc is learning women's fitness.

BEETHOVEN WAS DEAF. AN ELECTRONIC INSTRUMENT WON'T DO A THING FOR HIM

And of course these two are best friends but come on one's an old man this is awkward

Oh sure, GEEK Socrates understands. Ghengis Khan's armed now WELL HOLY SHIT he's a dab hand with that thing I would select NOT MESS WITH as your policy toward him.

ROCK ON BEETHOVEN

Ohhhh it hurts to clap and laugh

Ghengis Khan must be a McFly ancestor

Oh shut up gymnastics lady, she's miles better than you

How is there a skating rink in a mall

AHHAA would you like a cough to lie on

Oh look, it's Mr. Rectum

This is what an F looks like.

Of course your dad arrested them all, he's a rectum.

Boys, it's jailbreak time

HAHAHAHAHAHAA YESSSSSSSS OF COURSE

IT WORKED. Just by deciding to do it. HAHA he was right all along. He's still a complete rectum though

Master Hide checks, boys. Just masterful

They're literally manipulating the future now. Just by deciding it. I don't know HOW, I wouldn't think they had the brain capacity to do that, but whatever floats your boat, I suppose

That was nice of us.

AHAHAHAH he's literally performing summonings now. How would it have even fallen on his dad

Look at them go.

 Man no don't shoot guns in school

Most tranquil. Like that one

They know a good deal about Socrates, ultimately

WHOA indeed. Way to blankface it, guy.

HAHAHA I'll bet he does have a minor that complex I can't spell it but I know what it is

GHENGIS VERY MUCH ENJOYS TWINKIES

Look I tell you what those kids would still be like get me the fuck out of here after all that

A MOST EXCELLENT ADVENTURE INDEED.

I have just witnessed Abraham Lincoln declaring "party on, dudes." I don't know if life is now complete, but oh boy is it done being surprising

LOT of lighters for a high school crowd.

Hope you two remembered to go do all that stuff after the fact

PROM NIGHT

AND it's excellent for dancing. Delightful.

I feel like they hired a serious actor to play comic Obi-Wan to these two morons.

"They do get better" WELL I DAMN SURE HOPE SO.

Okay, that was both tremendously stupid and a lot of fun. Time to move on to something most tranquil. It will be excellent. Oh god what is even my brain now