The Matrix: First impressions

Here we go, and I am really excited, I know a lot about this movie, because this was the one, folks. This was the movie I was not allowed to see as a kid and always wanted to. There was a convenience store where you could rent movies, and it had posters up for some movies. For years and years, the poster that was always up right near the door was The Matrix. It looked serious and dark and awesome and of course Nan would always say "we're not renting that, it's too violent."

Well fine, Nan, I won't rent it. I will, however, accidentally push the Play button. :D


So before I do that, let's run down what I know about The Matrix, which is actually quite a lot.

• There's a team called The Matrix. They wear long black coats, black everything really, and really sharp shades.

• The Matrix works for the government, they deal with conspiracies and things that people would rather forget about.

• Their enemies are an alien force disguised as humans that wants to control the planet.

• They fight with big guns and martial arts

• It's a special effects movie with lots of explosions and violence

• :D

• The aliens have this poisonous silver blood that can get on you and infect you like a virus

• It's a very bleak and rainy world, going by the poster.

• Stoked

So without further delay I shall now proceed to defy my grandmother. I'm okay with this. Heeeeere we go!

Green and black and SINISTER BRASS already sold

That squeaky metallic noise is so eerie

What am I even looking at here it's like aha computer hacking

That was an interesting conversTUNNELS OF GREEEN

Hello The Cops. What'cha up to?

Room 303. What could be in there a person hello lady?

Shades and suits. FBI

YOUR MEN ARE ALREADY DEAD well no they arenWELL THEN

Did she just freeze time there or someWHAT THE ONE THE WALL WHAT IS SHS AI"M JUST annnd they're dead

She's trying to find an exit. And her name is Trinity. Hello Trinity. GOODBYE TRINITY

Do you have enough cops there guys


Must suck to run on those zigzag roofAND WE ARE FLYING what the hell even is this movie HE FLIES TOO yea I'm with you cop guy it wasn't very likely

She's all in black, she's part of The Matrix AND SHE CAN JUST STRAIGHT UP FUCKING FLY

I have to ask, is two guns practical? I don't feel like it is

She raced a truck to a phone. I don't understand any of this but I'm on board

Hey there Boss Shades.

SHE GOT OUT. HOW

"The name is Neo" that's right! I remember that name is part of the movie. And they have a mole in The Matrix, seems like

This must be Neo.

His computer is telling him to wake up. Is that a guy> I think it's a guy. That's a guy

The Matrix has him? Are they the badguys?

And we're now Alice in Wonderland knock knoWHAT HOW DOES IT KNOW

That is one messy apartment

Wow old timey discs. What's on it?

Nah, he looks green. Everything looks green.

That lady with the nose chains is nuts

WHITE RABBIT. FOLLOW DAT SHIT

And now a club that is also green

Hey there Trinity. How's the knowing people's names business?

He looks familiar.

She knows EVERYTHING! Ah, I see, she's a sleep therapist

Looking for HIM? Who is HE?

I'm looking for a few answers myself, miss. Aaaaaaand we're recruiting him into The Matrix.

or maybe they're the badguys?

This fellow strikes me as a corporate sort of rectum

This is green too. Man keep going by "Neo," Thomas Anderson is the most potato chip name

FREE RINGING CELL PHONES

Morfius. Friend of his?

This is stressful OH HEY THERE FELLAS. DAPPER DAY TODAY IS IT NOT

HOW DOES HE KNOW WHAT TO TELL HIM

STRESS COMES EARLY TODAY GUIYS

So much sold right now. On board with all the madness

Come on, Neo, listen to the man on the phone.

Wheee that's all kinds of no fun to look at AND LET US HAVE ANOTHER GANDER why did you drop your phone

Way to get captured by the fuzz, dipshit

I gather this was an undesired turn of events for all involved

Well except the suit guys but you know what I mean

Hey there Boss Shades. Got any time for our shit today?

There's a crurious way about the way Boss Shades holds his head. And talks.

oh that's fun the most dangerous man alive :D

Finger so given.

Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters?

That one was a threat. You bet it was. wat wHAT THE HELL WHASAT HOOOOO FUCK NO NO PE NOE NO NO NO THAT IS NOYT RIGHT WHAT TID HAVPPEN TO HIS FACE STRESSSSSS ALLL OF THE WHAT THE HELL

NO YOU JUST PUT THAT BACK IN THE ALTOID BOX RIGHT NOW WHY IS IT MAKING THAT NOSIE OFFHHFH FUCK ITS LIKE RAPEFACE FOR BELLYBUTTONS I AM NOT ON BAOIRD WITH THIS

PAused

Ohhhhkay so that was a visual I didn't really need. Okay then. Calm. Okay. What the hell. I feel like that wasn't a dream, cause if it was then Neo needs some new hobbies and some time out of the green lights. But seriously WHAT THE HELL. DID NOBODY THINK OF MAYBE WARNING ME? Fucking hell. If it bursts out, holy balls. I'm tremling and scratching and jittery again just thinking about it.

and I still have no answers. Fuck I need an ice cream right now.

Okay, I'm as calm as I'm going to be. Resuming.

There's the rain sounds. JESUS let's not with the phone ring okay? It's loud.

MORFIUS. How's it going invisible voice man? You would probably be dead. Well that's nice

He's the one, and Morfius is a lifetime stalker. Fantastic.

This is all very bleak. It makes The Usual Suspects look cheerful.

Oh hi you're new. And unfriendly.


She wants to see your pecs. Why copper top? His hair's black

Well holy balls what the fuck is that thing

wait bugged or bugged like with a real bug oh FUCK THAT IS HIS STOMACH NOPE NO NO NO DONT DO THIS TO ME GHHGHFROTNO NO NO OHHHHHHHHHHH furkc oh hell shit no ew and what the hell it's just a little spring thing my brain is so lost right now

That'sa a trippy checkerboard staircase you got there

Everyone knows stuff and THERE'S a badass ooking guy. Loving the shades. This guy leads The Matrix?

So the guys in suits are the aliens. Or collaborators. Because that thing was definitely an alien probe of some kind hey we have an Alice reference.

Totally sold on Morfius so far.

 Annnnd I'm lost. It's everywhere and nowhere?

"You are a slave" dont make this into a labored metaphor, please.

So very very curious. Is he actually somehow a slave or is this some sort of "peon of capitalism" story

"Take the red pill, and you'll see how deep the rabbit hole goes." Stoked.

Yeah that's not ominous thunder

Hello hacker equipment

They're about to... what?

Buckle your seatbelt indeed. What are we up to?

Can't wait to know SOMETHING. This is an incredibly perplexing movie

What? Mirror, yes.

Oh that's a creepy thing. How is that happening

SILVER LIQUID.

That is a fascinating question, Morfius.

Wait no it's Morpheus like the Greek sleep god, isn't it WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HIM

THE NOISES ARE UNWELCOME what the fuck what the fuckigng fuck is this oh go d no it;s like that ship all over again and HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO HUIM WITH THE TUBES AND THE BALD AND THE GOOP AND THE

Those are people. Are those all peolple this is like World of Gozer WHAT is with the tubes and the GIANT FLYUING ROBOT SPIDER CHOKING HIM

OH FUCK GROSS THE he's getting flushed I; fafiwehr oh fuck the tube holes are just the most dusigusing thing I'm so lost right now what's on his chest

Hi guys, what are all of you doing here

What

No what

THE REAL WORLD?

NOPE. NOPE. WHAT

Annnnd we have a bald albino Neo. Who is not dead and AN ACUPUNCTURE TEST SUBJECT apparently

He's never used them? THANK GOD THE ANSWERS ARE COMING. Ohhhhh fuck not liking the node things all over hsi body

Ugh that reminds me waaaay too much of getting medical shit done. And there's a big plug thing in his head still

WELCOME TO THE FUTURE, NEO. It sucks. You're a monster. Morpheus doesn't have shades. I don't know how to spell the name of the ship. And it's creepy like That Movie well if I paused I could have known it looks like

So the Matrix is like a... computer simulation they can enter?

HHello everyone with names. And Mouse. You remind me of the other Mouse I know. Hopefully you're in a better movie than he was

WHA TYannnd they just did that hello there white void

Loving the old time TV set.

WELL HOLY BALLS THAT IS NOT A HAPPY WORLD

The desert of the real. Well that's an eerie name

You did WHAT to the sky?

Are those alien spider things or robots I can't even tell

Those are horrifying. Just going to put it out there

NOT THE BABY

This is an absolutely terrifying premise. How could anyone know it's not reality? Annnnnd he's going byebye

yeah all your life you've been eating only liquid dead people. That's gotta be no fun

Rewrite virtual reality? Awesome

Wait how do you have anb oracle and reincarnation in robot hell universe?

OH NEO IS THE GUY ISN' THE

I don't get how he's the guy but he's the guy

oooooh training I am so curious

I DO NOT LIKE THE FLICKERING LIGHTS. THEY REMIND ME OF THING

man's name is Tank. Love it

HAha, that's a cool way to explain it. Where they'd hold the party indeed

Um, maybe those were important? I think? Wait he's going to just learn jujitsuuuuuuokay that looked weird

HELL YES. I'm on board with this too

Drunken boxing? Come on that's not a thing

I'm sure I know him from somewhere. He knows kung fu, bu th way

I love martial arts. Never got past yellow belt karate but it was the best thing

WHEE LET US GO FOR A SPIN

This is just awesome. Not gonna lie

Do or do not, guy, there's no try here

WHOA the speed he moved like liquid

That guy's Superman. Your turn to be Superman, NeWAIT I KNOW WHO HE IS HE'S BILL OR TED YESSSSS HAHA

NOT SUCCESS how very Loony Tunes of you

Die in the mind, die for real. Stakes are raised now

Oh hey baldy. Sup

I think I just found a mole. I think it's Baldy

TOLD.

Hey there Boss Shades. What's up. SENTIENT PROGRAMS

They can be anyone at any time that is some haunting shitfolks

So his advantage is that he can out-imagine the machine?

YOU WON'T HAVE TO. AWESOME what are we trouble with

wow it's like an even shittier Millennium Falcon

HUNTER KILLERS

Now that we have Agents this is like virtual reality Terminator

STRESS RIGHT NOW OH I DO NOT LIKE THOSE THINGS HOW THEY MODVE OR SOUND

Bejeezus ejected.

Oh so they literally just read the code to see what's happening? That must sucuuuuuuuck

That's a valid point, Baldy. What DO you say to that

What's he doing eating steak

OH HEY it's Boss Shades. You're the mole and hahahaha the harp of the unburdened mind

Oh it's on now. I'm completely on board with this.

That is NOT appetizing

Mouse, you're a crazy fella

HAHAHAHA I love the chicken theory

\are we off to see the wizard well the oracle that's close ish

It's for you

What's with the phones anyway I haven't gotten that answer ANNNNND THE GANG'S ALL HERE

Hotel delivery. All I'm thinking is "WE DELIVER HOTELS"

No you didn't. You used to THINK you ate there. Baldy's right this kind of sucks for you

He's kind of bland, is'nt he

 I like that.


Can you imagine if your destiny was just to coach the guy?. You are by definition not the guy.

WHEE TELEKInESIS

SPOON

Wisdom from a little bald headed philosophy kid. There is no spoon, yo

That's her? She's Nan :D

Oh god she's Nan I'm so happy about this

Hehehe don't worry about the vase indeed. :D

I like her, she makes me smile.

HAHAHAHA "would it have broken if I didn't tell you?"

I love her so much

WITHOUT HIM oh fuck hes gonna die

oh she just put some nassssssty stakes on this one

Take a cookie, fella. Cookies are the best. Know what I'm gonna do? Bake cookies. I like cookies and I can open a friggin stove let's do this shit

hahaha woman in red

wait why is the music so active and BALDY IS GRINNING WE'RE IN FUCKED MODE NOW ARE WE NOT

Ohhh panic is coming

WHEN THE CHANGE SOMETHING well that sounds really bad

FUCK BRICKS

Mouse trapped

Ah fuck. Stress is coming now isn't it

BOSS SHADES IS HERE. RUN  HE WILL TAKE YOUR MOUTHS

hiding in the walls this cannot be good this cannot be any good at all oh crpa I am beginnign to STRESS ABOTU THTIS

YOU IDIOT YOU'RE IN DANGER THERE TOO WHY WOULD YOU COUGH

DRP DROP DROP DROP DROP

NOPE I DO NOT LIKE THAT ABILITY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

We just lost Morpheus. and still we're STRESS

SMITH. AGENT SMITH. Hello Agent Smith. They do all look the same but he's still Boss Shades.

Okay Smith can hit Morpheus this is suboptimal

NOT ON BOARD WITH THIS PART

Oh crap he's awake and they're asleep this is bad

FUCK THIS IS BAD


THE HELL IS THAT THING

creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

you are the worst you sick little man

wait does that KILL them?

That's stupid. Being the chosen one is a virtual thing, not a real world thing, right? He's just supposed to be awesome at controlling the rules of the Matrix?

How do they get out of this

YESSSSS KILL THE FUCKER BOOM DARK FORCE GUN BITCH

hey Badly, got a question for you: Are you a god? No? Then DIIIIIIIIE

Crops. Big shudder at that

Smith is hugely creepy and I enjoy it. He's so very precise about it all. Mechanical, we might say

So there's three of them. And at best two humans?

DON'\T DO IT. RESCUE MISSION

They're all so marvelously potato chip

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaat was bad acting right there. You were better as a Bill or Ted, fella.


Yeah Trinity you're not an oracle soooo

Oh here comes the TOLD

BOOM TOLD.

Playing with your food, Smith?

Diseases. He means diseases

A VIRUS. Boom. "You are a plague and we are the cure" shiver. I love the bland convictioin

THAT IS A LOT OF GUNS HOLY SMOKES PEOPLE

He's only got one facial expression

I dunno Boss Shades, your other Shades friends don't seem to like that

Boss Shades has NO TIME FOR YOUR SMELL apparently

Look at him he's going utterly stark fucking crazy

Oh he's all the way off the reservation

SERIOUS FOOTSTEPS

Metal detector

HOLY SHIT :D

and it is ON NOW BITCHES OH FUCK YEUS

Second encounter's got a muych higher CR, doesn't it

Wall running again

Love how it all slows down to show the chanos in detail

BOOM WITH YOUR OWN GUN SIR

Just gonna walk up you and kick you in the head. All good.

Reminds me of the Blues Brothers, this bit

What's that now

Bomb?

What did he whisper? Didn't catch that

Bomb seemed just a little pointless

Aha. OH FUCK THE FACE WARP NOOOOO

AGENT ENCOUNTERED. RUN LIKE FUCK

how is he dongt hat

YOU CAN SEE THE RIPPLES OF THE BULLETS GOING THROUGH HE AIR. THAT IS INCREDIBLE

DODGE THIS. wait it turned back is the Agent still alife

OH RIGHT they can get instant brain

Agent's still alive THAT IS A HELICOPTER WITH A MINIGUN. WE ARE NOW TERMINATOR 2 AND IT IS JUDGEMENT DAY ON YOUR HEADS BE IT AGENTS FUCK YES

THIS ROOM IS NOW THE PROPERTY OF ALL OF THE BULLETS THANK YOU HAVE A VERY NICE DAY

OKAY FUCK NO STOP WITH THE FACE WARPING

crap crap crap STRESS COME ON YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SAVED

oh well BALLS Smith you are the worst

THIS IS INTENSE AND CRAZY CAN YOIU GET RFEAR OF HEIGHTS FROM A MOVIE BECAUSE whoooooooosh saved

double saved ohhhhkay now Trinity

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING SIR

WINDOWSPLOSION

Of course he's the one. He's the main character that's how it works

HAHAHAH IT'S LIKE THE VASE PROBLEM SHE TOLD HIM WHAT WOULD MAKE IT HAPPEN

You assholes have lost. Sorry about that

Wait what with the sentinels

Which one of them is in charge, anyway?

AHA THAT'S WHAT THE PHONES DO

NO TIME FOR TALK NOW IS TIME FOR ANSWER THE PHONE

Seriously there's a homeless guy which means Smith is on his way

Homelessguys are the harbingers of Smith

BOOM SEE I TOLD YOU SO

MISTER ANDERSEN.

no that's wrong

I mean I'm sure he'll win but this will suuuuuuuuck

BULLET RIPPLES

Was wondering why he didn';t shoot

They can't just refill guns?

Oh wll crap you broke Boss Shades's shades you're a real shit disturber Neo

BLOOD not good guys you'll want to do something about that

"bring it on" in sign language, apparently

WHAP fingertips

WHAT THE FUCK WITH THE TEN THOUSAND PUNCHES

Oh come on Smith don't be a dick

No that's the sound of a train. Smith you need better ears

train has NO TIME FOR YOUR SMITH

Neo: 1

Smith: still 1 he's immortal wellllll fuck

Star Wars ladder shot

Oh fuck Smith can basically teleport anywhere with this many people around AND THE OTHERS CAN TOO EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL AND I AM STRERSS

NO YOUR OTHER LEFT LEARN DIRECTIONS WITH YOUR KUNG FU DUMMY

OLD LADY SMITH danger everyfuckingplace

Not these things again i don't like them oh shit they found the ship

THE ARMS UNDERNEATH OHFGOD

YEs okay he';ll make it but howwwwww Boss Shades is on him again

oghfno theyreinside the jship theyrea actuially in there with people get them outttttt

whast

WHAT

WHY

that's not it. STAND

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhit

Paused

 I guess it's the only way they can shake those squid things. but what did that accomplish, huh? The whole story was just to off a mole, scare the Agents with the potential of humanity by taking them out a couple of times, and then...

You know what? No. I'm not angry. This is not a happy movie. It's a thrilling one, but it's black and green and gray and I've always known that. Time for the saviorless denouement then.

Resumed

Odd bit of... respect there from Smith?

seriously deal with those fucking lasers

is SHE the one? Is she going to go in and become superwoman now that she's inspired by what you love him? How do you love him, he's barely a person

Oh no. NO NO FUCKING NO HOW

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE ITS A FAIRTY TAILE NOW?

okay that right there is pretty friggin cool I hate to say

No time for your bullets, Smith

HE'S SEEING IN CODE

the whole fight on Neo's side is just like "nah"

what

I'm with you guys whya the hell

wait is he REVERSING IT

OH GOD THE HEAD

annnnnnnnnnd the world bends as Smith explodes

"Yeah we're good. See ya"

GODFUC NOT HTESE THINGS GET THEM OUT OF MY

Guys can we not with the that

System failure. He broke the rules.

"I'm going to show them a world without you"

BADASS ROCKING BEAT. SHADES.

annnnnnnnnnnnd he can actually fly now

iOkay well that was really quiiite a thing wasn't it? I hope the next one's a bit more low-key to give me some brain cool-off time. Hell of a movie. :D