Friday, July 4, 2014

Rocky: Rocky first impressions

Someone told me over on RPGnet that they were getting tired of my first impressions posts because I comment way too much and make it hard to follow. To that I say: yeah, that's probably my bad. Going forward, I hope to do better, and since this is my first sports movie...

Well I might be in trouble.

So Rocky is a sports movie, I've heard. It's in a black box, so it's dark, but there's like five movies, so it's either dark where the main characters don't die or dark where some necromancer hits them with Animate Dead and then bob's your uncle the sequel's a horror movie. I thiiiink the first one.

• Rocky's probably the hero or heroine. I lean guy since sports movie, slow cultural progressions, kind of a rough name to begin with. I could be completely out in left field on this one.

• There will be stairs.

• There's an embarrassing dance set to some kind of funky music.

Sports

We actually thought I'd have to rush this one since apparently Netflix was taking them all down on Canada Day. Fortunately, Lacy came through with this huge box set, so I'm betting Rocky's going to keep being a thing and giving it its own tag. Now then... let's go! :D

LION. Paying attention now.

THIS IS THE EMBARRASING DANCE MUSIC

and Jesus. How d'you do sir.

BOXING. Alright, I'll take it.

That man looks like he's been punched in the face several times. Coincideantlly that's true.

Hello Rock. You're a fella. I smell underdog story.

 Annnd Rock uses Rage. +4 Strength.

"You need it more than me, buddy."

Oh come on lady, that's not nice. Also it's "rectum," not "bum"

The face sweats. Well do I know that feel.

Aha, this is Stallone. I've heard of him.

Nice neighborhood considering it's like under a railroad track. Doo doo DIT doo...

Did he steal their hackysack?

Man decorates with garbage. There's a radio that looks like it's from my great aunt's place.

Aha! Poster! Rocky Marciano. Wonder how that ties in.

Heheh "If you guys could sing or dance..." Sorry Fella.

Picture on the mirror... does he have a son? Ohhhh he's got a son and he doesn't live with the son. You guys are messing with me already aren't you.

She doesn't look like she's ever felt full of life.

I smell a love interest!

Wait did he just steal... turtle food? And now he's walking around with a stick.

He's employed, at least. AND IT IS NOT A GOOD JOB IS IT

Man's not a pawnshop, guy, he's got NO TIME FOR YOUR COAT

Gasso's driver is just a rectum, isn't he? Let's not be seeing any more of him.

I was never one for the bag. Some guys like it, I don't care for it.

Demoted by a mouse. Awkward.

HAHAHA Mickey's got NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT, Rock.

Man sounds like a pissed-off frog with throat cancer.

"You're a TAHMAYTAH"

ROCK THE RECTUM FIGHTER. POWER OF AN APE. STYLE OF AN APE.

I love Mockey

I can see the typo but I'm leaving it there, it works so well

This is a very awkward way to interact with another human being.

"Flying candy." Well, when one goes missing...

This is a steam room?

Well, there's a big ol' cut on your eye, that's something wrong with your face.

Charming fellow, Pauly

He's going to expect flying candy now, you know.

Is that a real world champiuon boxer or someone made up? I don't know boxing.

"Maybe I like garbage!"

Rock, don't be a dick. Better ways to handle this, eh? Don't go calling children whores.

Though I will say it would be awesome to have a friend who was a yo-yo.

OHEY IT'S THAT GUY so Apollo is made-up then IS HE GOING TO FIGHT ROCKY OF COURSE HE IS I feel very smart now

That's a handsome fella. Hell of a 'stache

It's funny, it's like there's this period of movies where they're slow. Pirates was fast, a lot of my older movies were just stuffed with dialogue and performances... there are a lot of slow

OH NOT THAT RECTUM AGAIN

"It's his prostate" YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT IS

Gasso's a strange fella. We'll give him a pass for the 50

"How about Rocky Lastname?"

THE ITALIAN STALLION. "One of his descendants" indeed. :D

I am sold.

A MONSTER MOVIE. YES INDEED. I like this guy.

 I missed it, what's with the kids.

You've asked him like three times, Pauly. Class act you are.

I'm sure his sister does NOT know.

NOPE.

WHO CALLED IT? THIS GUY

INSTAMATICALLY

NOPE. ENEMY NUMBER ONE HAS BEEN FOUND. NOBODY THROWS OUT A WHOLE TURKEY IN FRONT OF JEREMY.

Rocky, come on, brains man

Don't do it, don't play his stupid game, don't push the lady

HE's got an immense verbal tic, you know?

That's a yes... ish

Don't you thank him for the bird, you punch him for the bird. THAT BIRD HAD A NAME AND ITS NAME WAS SUPPER

Love the quibble over a dollar. I've got no context of prices at this time period, whatever it is

Learning what a south paw is. Explains why they don't want Apollo in there with him.

Eeeeww.

HEY SHUT UP MAN.

Adrian, you should kind of talk or something, perhaps?

There we go. She was even having fun right there.

Agreed about the shy.

"Real sharp couple of coconuts" he's got this weird charm

"Half a rectum" come on now, man.

I feel like we're about to hit a consent gray area that I'm not gonna be comfortable with

Haha Cuff and Link

OH IT'S HIM alright okay that's a load off my mind let's go relax and feel iffy about this

Maybe they'll just have an embarrasing dance

This is feeling very coercive. She's NOT comfortable and you're just oh please stop doing this

annnd now he's taking off her glasses. She does have nice eyes but I DO NOT LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO KISS YOU BACK WELL ISN'T THAT GENTLEMANLY OF YOU

Someone in the comments tell me if I'm misreading this ecaue right now it just feels REALLY not cool oin the consent side of things

ehhh mayyybe she's on baord after all

right well then

HE's got a really odd way of carrying himself.

YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW

OKAY I'M GONNA TELL YA

Love Mickey. He's a hell of a straight-shooter that guy

HE's like a dried-up pruney old Jimmy Durante and I tell you Jimmy Durante has BEEN dried-up and pruney so that's like... I don't even know

Hello George.

That man has a straaaange face.

Rock's like "come again?"

It always amazes me how the America card comes into play and works so often. I guess I just don't have the convetext

Ah, Philadelphia. Good cream chese from there

I never heard of either of those things. Just for the record. And yes, Apollo knows how to play his crowd.

WHOOSH THAT WOULD BE MUCH MONEY INDEED

YO ADRIAN IT'S ME. Class act, Rock.

She's not wearing her glasses! I smell characte deveilopment

Pauly wants your money. Good damnation I do not  like that man

I like these two crazy kids. They make me smile

Gasso, you're being a strangely class act again. AND HE TAKES THE SMOKE. You're a better man than I could have called, Gas.

All I'm seeing is Jimmy Durante.

Turtles, Mickey.

Rocky's wise to everyone now. Mickey, get a read on him. He's paying you back, guy.

Vegetatiion?

"but I ain't got no locker" THERE IT IS. RED LIGHT. RUN AWAY.

I'm guessing Mickey wants to be his MANAGEMENT

"I needed your help about 10 years ago" WAY TO HIT THE FEELINGS, MAN

IT STINKS. And a lot of build up resentment just got laid down there

We have a management!

HAte 4 AM. 4 AM is the bad time. Always be not awake when 4 AM comes around, I tell you

For the record, don'\t do egg drink, egg drink baaaaaaad

This brings to mind all sorts of times going out to do physical crap early morning

Speed skating, passing drills, I remember jogging round the rink STAIRS I SEE STAIRS

That right there, the stitch in the side from going too fast when you're not in shape

Hate it

Meeeeeeeeat

Stinks where you live too, Rocky, shut up. No, the only thing Pauly kills is my faith in humanity

HAHAHA "Moo"

That's lovely in a really dumb way "we got gaps"

He's here to punch stuff into tender meaty goodness, sint he

YESSSSSS I LIKE IT

Guy come on ladies have needs too

HE's like muttering Italian Batman int hat thing

MOVE YOUR LITTLE CHICKEN ASSES

The fuck do you mean women weaken legs

Knees, sure

She's looking BOLD. What a change

AND HE'S GOT A DOG

Pauly you're just drunk and nots what's with the hat in the face

WHAT ABOUT YOU INDEED.

In charge of the meat go fuck off Pauly nobody likes you

HAHAHAHAH

"YEs, a few times a week if they don't have a girlfriend" :D

Now see there's a man who's going to lose hard and ugly for not training

And there's one who's worried about the one who is REMURDERING COWS

HE IS RE-MURDERING THE DEAD COW

Annnd Worst Santa has a challenger for HIS title now. Get the hell out of eveyrwhere, Paulu

WHAT THE FUCK PAUEL

GIVE YOU WHAT no you arte going to fuck off and die

TOLD.

FUCKING TOLD.

that's a cheap shot and I don't know how Rocky didn't take off the fucker's head

EAT LIGHTNING AND CRAP THUNDAJH

BECOME A VERY DAAAANGEROUS PERSON

Oh here we go

it's happening now isn't it it's ALL ON NOW HE'S GONNA KILL A PAULY

or not and I feel stipid

HEY WE HAVE MUSIC

Old stonework bridges like thos ealways fascinate me

What's the point of the little tiny bags?

TRYING HARD NOOOOOOW

Just a whole bunch of clips of his training strung together. Cool to see how he';s clearly deveiloping

GETTING STRONG NOWWWWW

STAIRS.

THE STAIRS ARE DEFEATED NOW

YESSSSS CONQUEST OF STAIRS

FLYING HOW NOWWWWWWWW

GONNA FLUYYYYYYYYY

Sold. All ready for the showdown. Rocky's the turtle here and Apollo doesn't know it HE ACTUALLY EVEN HAS TURTLES THAT S AN AWESOME THING :D

That mst
just be a tremendous thing, to walk in this place where you're going to be THE GUY

That one little detail and you can just see how it makes him soooo nervous

IT hjust makes me think how impossible and unreal all this must seem to Rocky.

This win is going to feel so damn earned I am on board with this all the way

YOu can beat him, get in there.

What's that mean?

I don't understand the distance. I do understand that tHIS IS SAD AND LET US HAVE theeeere we go

She's completely transformed, eh?

What's the nose stuff?

That is one FIERCE LOOKING 'STACHE MAN

"BE A FIGHTER NOT A BILLBOARD"

I AM SO STOKED FOR THIS FIGHT

I thought boxing was more than three rounds

Oh here comes a parade of silly

What a badass name, too, Apollo Creed.

NON=-REGULATION BOXING SUIT SAH he looks like a big flag hehehehe

THEME MUSIC AGAIN :D

Now there's a name I've heard. Joe Frazier.

Whoooo that is a 20 pound advantage and I'm betting aaaalll muscle

Knock that damn hat off, Rock

Tortoise, meet HAIR

HOHOOOOO! THAT'S ONE

YESSS the first time???! Serieously? awesome

"Dafuq wwas that?" Ohhhh he's taking it seriously now

Oooooh the body shots OWWWWWWW

that one was blood

THE NOSE oh well balls. I suppose that had to happen.

No it's not a show. You want a show, you ask the man for a show. You asked for a fight. Rock's got integrity

Creed's just all deadly muscle what was he muttering to him there?

OHHHHH SMOKED

Seven rounds ohhh shit Rocky's not looking good

OH that OHHHHH WELL HE LOOK SLIKE SHIT

Creed doesn't look so bad. This is going to need one hell of a comeback

Now Creed looks worn. Wasn't ready for this

OW. WHY THE FACE

OH FUCK. Is Rocky going to lose? Oh nooooooooooooo

HOW IS HE STANDING

THE BODY BLOWS FROM THE LEFT

WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY JUST DO TO HIM blood squirted all over DID THEY CUT HIM TO MAKE IT GO DOWN?

15, see?

Crowd loves you, man. Make it happen.

OOMPHHHH THat's what that one had allll the ooomphLOOK AT HIM GO HE'S A RAIN OF FIST

WALL OF FIST

What

Is it over without a winner?

ADRIAN

wait no WHAT HOW DID HE LOSE

HOW DID HE LOSE

Fuck off Pauly

Now that's a prize worth fighting for.

HE LOST. WHAT THE HELL.

He knew he would, too, didn't he

but hot damn did he ever give that jackalope the whatfor AND the business.

Alright guys, it's been a long day. Second thoughts tomorrow.

13 comments:

  1. Someone needs to at least tell poor Jeremy when the movies are from. Rocky's 1976.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Just a whole bunch of clips of his training strung together. Cool to see how he';s clearly deveiloping"

    "That's called a Montage. You need a Montage. Even 'Rocky' had a Montage!"
    lyrics of a song form the 'Team America' parody movie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rocky invented the Montage as we know it: the staple of every sports movie since.

      Delete
    2. Relevant

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFrMLRQIT_k

      Delete
  3. The best part of the movie is that Rocky lost. It's a good message - "hard work is important, but it's not miraculous." Rocky's real victory is that he faced impossible odds with his pride intact. I've never seen the sequels, but I'm given to understand that they undercut this message somewhat.

    ReplyDelete
  4. -He knew he would, too, didn't he

    but hot damn did he ever give that jackalope the whatfor AND the business.-

    Yep, that's one of the things about Rocky: It's not a sports movie where he comes in and wins, it's a movie where he shows up and just shows he can give a real *fight*.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, he didn't even go in there to win. He went in there to last fifteen rounds with Apollo Fucking Creed, something nobody had ever done.

      Delete
  5. I love this movie. It's okay to try your best and still lose because at least you have the honor of showing what you're made of. The sequels get sillier and sillier as they go on, except for the very last one, Rocky Balboa, which is worth seeing.

    Also, I'm pleased to hear from someone else in my age group who knows who Jimmy Durante is.

    To answer your question, the little bags are for improving your speed, the idea is to keep them in motion at all times.

    Fun fact: Sylvester Stallone wrote the first draft of the screenplay of this movie over the course of a single weekend.

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  6. The Guy on rpg net has it backwards the live as it happens is so much fun...

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  7. The guy on rpg net is totally wrong, by the way.

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  8. Yeah, gotta side with the previous two posters. The whole point of reading this is to re-experience these films through a fresh set of eyes. Ignore the RPG.net dude and comment your heart out.

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  9. I'm fourthed to agree ath well.

    ReplyDelete