So Jaws was late, and I'll tell you why, and incidentally if someone has a protip on how to keep a party cool when it's a hot day that would be super appreciated.
Obviously the answer is there was a party. Big drunk one. Pizza and roofs torn off, that kind of good stuff. Nah, wasn't really "big," just seven or eight of us, but definitely booze. Since I can't drink, I was on glowstick and music duty. We made this really awesome sort of glow ball thing with eight or ten or however many little flexible glowsticks and threw it around. Also we played a game called Cards Against Humanity, which is really fun but apparently my sense of humor isn't quiiiiite up to par for that game. I lost a lot.
So to answer what I'm sure is the question on everyone's mind going into this, yes I know about the shark.
I also know there's a very famous two note musical theme in this movie. Every music teacher ever has done that one, and everyone else likes to go "look how clever I am I can play Jaws on the piano." You know I never understood why music teachers thought a bunch of 8-year olds would be up on a movie about a shark that, I'm betting, eats people, but whatever floats your boat.
So yeah I know there will be a shark and I am pretty damn sure it will eat people. That's all I've got though. Do I really need anything else? I need to watch a movie. :D
Alright Zanuck, Brown, do your worst
I hear the music
That's different, I was expecting just the two notes JOHN MOTHERFUCKING WOILLIAMS
MISTER SPIELBERG. WHAT EVEN IS TYHIS. YOU GUYS GOT ME A PRESENT DESSED UP LIKE A SHARK?
To die. You are going to die.
The fuck are they running around anyway, it's a weird stick fence thing annnnnnd there's a gil in the water
You know, I don't recall ever swimming out all that far. The ocean was never for SWIMMING swimming, just for THIS MUSIC IS EERIE AND I KNOW WHY
ah shit here comes a jaws
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING GUY
okayt s o that was surprigingly disutuirbing enven though I knew what was going to happen okay I am calm now but wow that was okay then
No, don't talk like that. It sounds bad.
Who's this fella, the sharkbuster?
Man's name is SHEEP?
Chief. It must have been Chief. I'm hearing things again.
I don't know any of these places.
Okay I know that place.
Don't tell me the shark got YOU, sad-looking man
well that's not happy
They're karateeing the fences, eh?
you spelled "Jaws" wrong, Chief
She's excessively annoying
how does a beach town on an island not have Beach Closed signs
BUT MY WHEEL
Shame it wasn;t girl scouts, shark could have had some brownies
yeah I went there, I'm awesome
Wait are they about to be rectums about this
"and if people can't get eaten here, well, they'll get eaten somewhere else"
A BOAT PROPELLER
I'm filled with a strange and perverse desire to yell shark in a crowded theatre.
Still got all of them? Cool, get back in there for some subtraction lessons.
Also I saw that big lady go out, the shork;s about to have a god-burrito of his own
hey dog DON'T EAT THE DOG
hmmm big lady and kid. Which one, which one, which one
STRESS FROM A BATHING CAP I'm just not in on thisSCREAMING fuck you. Fuck. You.
Oh crap one of his kids gets eaten THAT is an unpleasant sight hehahaAA "that is some bad hat Harry" sounds like a Maritimer
The dog got eaten didn't it
I HEAR SHARK
WHAT THAT IS RED THAT IS that is SHARK SHARK MOTHERFUCKING SHARK GET OUT OF THE NOT IN OUT YOU FUICKING MORONS GET OUT OF THE WATER NOW
Your boy's gone, madam. Sharked away.
They're STILL being rectums about this?
Agreed, lady, it's not funny
Talk about your one-note thing. SHHHHHHHHHHTFU THAT IS NOT A GOOD NOISE
That's no bird, fella, that's a fish
Ten grand and this is the crazy protagonist I'm sold
Mr. Quinn. We'll see more of you sir.
Classy lady, right there
Boy that took no time to change her mind.
You know you could have picked a less important cut of meat, right?
What's the tire for
YOWCH that injuryHOLY MOTHER SMOKES THE LEG
no it's not familiar trauma at all why do you ask
I HEAR SHARK
BOOM good job guys, you're feeding him wharf now
I STILL HEAR SHARK
STRESS COME ON HE CAN' T BE READY FGOR MORE ALREADY get ouf of there bud
its udner the wharf it's under the wharf GET OUT
stress galore. Holy balls guys how is this movie so much stress I haven't even seen the fish yet
This is all familiar kind of sight
So who's this fella
he's Matt Hooper. Hey fella
Hey Jaws! Jaws! I got you a feast. Take your pick :D
Oh for the love of god don't just shoot into the water blindly
What is that word he's saying squallus?
Hi there Jaws. How's it going fishy
so is this faked somehow? Or is that like Baby Jaws or something
A WHAAAAAT? Duh.
This whole autofellatio party they're having here, that's gotta stop
Easy solutions. Go for it guys. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BE REASONABLE okay well I actually sort of agree with him insofar as the place. Move it and THEN cut itTHE FUCK are you slapping him for
go slap the mayor
Seriously who told you to blame the guy who wanted to close the beaches I believe he was already aware of that, lady
Guys that was not Jaws. It might have been like Fangs or Teeth or Maxilla yeah I know that word I'm awesome my point is can family bonding time fuck off I want to see the mayor punched in his fucking smug rectum face
PFFFT self-hospitality. Awkward
Well no, the little boy and the girl are in sharks. He's outside of sharks
Annnd the shoe drops
That seems like an excessive amount of wine. Are you aware there's a shape of glass specially calibrated for wine?
"Before sharks knew what they were missing" I'm amused by that idea
He can do anything he wants, he exactly
Now I've been present at a fish cutting-open thing and it was a stinky stinky business. That must smell like pure undiluted vinegar-saturated ass
AND IT ATE A CAR
heheh we think alike, Chief
The shark's got rogue levels? Explains all the sneak attacks :D
Today I am Funny Jeremy
Sure but there's been two sharkings
"Can we get the late show on that?" Sure but it's just the All Night Shark Channel
You know I'll give him that little thing of logic, an island's not all that island when you're on the island
we're about to meet Jaws aren't we
MUSIC MEANS STRESS IN THIS MOVIE
Come on get out of there Matt can;t you hear the shark
KOTHJEWJWfsdfFUCK NO EEYEESS RUI SWIM AWAY LETS NNTOI BE DOING THAT TO JEREMY
okay then so no fuck no GET OTU thank you
oh good they're consulting with a giant rectum that smokes
Yes because graffiti that IS TRUE I might add is much worse than, you know, food
"Swims, eats, makes little sharks, that's all." Simple life.
Well this is going to be a terrible thing, isn;t it? Hey Jaws, I've got an extensive selection of imported meats for you
This isn't a matter of if, it's going to happen and it's going to be ugly.
Nobody's going in the water, eh? Are you telling me they're all smarter than you? Oh what are you doing don't do what he says he's an idiot
Look at them they're scared
This is going to escalate and how
I'm just waiting for the music. And the stress.
CAMERA ANGLES OF DOOM
Oh you're just asking for it, Mayor Rectum. Are you related to Sarah?
Oh no oh no stop RUN SWIM AWAY
SHARK DETECTED oh fuck they're going to incite it aren't they
guys what the hell WHAT THE HELL YOU FUCKING IDIOTS shoot them. Just shoot them
oh fuck they called wolf and HIS SKIDS NO FUCKI NO THE MUSIC IS HERE
I SEE HIM I SEE THE SHARK SWIM AWAY YOU FUCKMONKEY SWIM AWAY
STRESS OH FUCK STRESS
you're a lucky bastard Michael
Hey there Mayor Rectum. What's up
HAHA "You're the mayor of Shark City" sssssshut up you panicky moron
Sign it Larry
I don't even know what that toast was trying to be
"This soup's got some bite to it"
SHARK HUNTING PARTY
I've heard that song with different lyrics, I think Great Big Sea coveredit
The music's gone all perky
Chum, that's the word. So if someone's your chum, does that mean you're going to eat them?
Slightly less impressive there WHOA don't fuck with the compressed gas please
Ooh we're learning knots. I only know a shoelace know and whyyy are we being quieter than usual STRESS
irt's funny how even a twitch of the line can be stress now
that seems like a potentially terrible idea, Quinn
I FOUND A SHARK or at least a really big fish
wait what was he doing with the cup of water?
he's under the BOAT??
HE'S A SMART BIG FISH
Come on, what was it
Yes, and then you make faces. Very mature. Good on you
"No Gozers out here, just checked"
Hehee he's playing with himself.
"You're going to need a bigger boat" AGREED holy smokeballs that thing's a I HEAR A SHARK
This music is like the original dubstep. The bass keeps dropping LOOK AT THE FUCKING SIXE OF THAT THING
THREE TONS? YOU CAN't even this isn't gonna happen YOU NEED A BIGGER BOAT< YES
that going around the edge I am NOT a fan annnnd we're gonna harpoon a shark
Hooper what the fuck are you doing
STRESS MUCH STRESS
The music's pretty victory this time
Have we caught Jaws? :D
wait seriously? Wasn't that barrel full of air?
Good job losing a 25 foot murder creature, guys
That's a dire shark is what that is
Chief I don't think a bigger boat is in the cards right now
Really want to make a joke about that's a moray
You guys are just DRUNK DRUNK DRUNK
annnnd Hooper has the world's stupidest laugh
There's a mad wonder to Quinn. War veteran, professional murderbeast eliminator
One of them isn't getting out of this. Calling it now. I'm just enthralled by this story
I see Bones, Kirk and Mr. Spock in this trio. Quinn's even got the blue shirt on.
Don't know this song, do know these men can't singBARREL THERE IS A BARREL and two of you are drunk welll this is good isn't it
the fuck IS IT EATING THE BOAT
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING
I could loan you boys some glowsticks DON'T DO WHAT YOU'RE DOING
Hmm where have I seen that before. Han, the asteroids are coming
BARREL and also I HEAR SHARmaybe I don't hear shark. The music changed
I mean I don't hear POSITIVE but I don't hear shark either
what you two are doing is stupid dangerHELLO JHAWS
A PHONE CALL? Ghostbusters don't deal in shark
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING QUUINN
Good day, sirs aboard the Orca. Might you have any chum for your old chum?
that whole walking on the rail thing? Wouldn't get me to do that with a shark about, no sir
TWO barrels and a jaunty nautical tune. It's on now!!!! :D
I don't even know how the music's doing that nautical thing but it's fantastic
WELL IF THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE THEN I SHALL DINE ELSEWHERE TODAY
wait is that three barrels or two what happened to the first one?
"You may have these back, I dislike them"
OWWWwait did they just die the boat toi the shark THIS IS A BAD PLAN I DO NOT APPROVE
Quinn you're a crazy mothercucker I'll give yout hat one
MMMM DELICIOUS ROPE
GREETINGS FROM BENEATH THE owww that was unkind I shall splash you in retaliation
Who's driving the boat
well that whole water in the boat thing can't be positive
I will take all of these things as souvenirs of the time you thought you could catch me. Jaws out.
THREE barrels and I HEAR SHARK
NOT WITH THREE HE CAN'T so I guess that right there was, uih, inconceivable?
SURPRISE I AM OVER HERE did you miss me?
"You shit disturbers are about to learn what a shark looks like when he gets chippy"
Don't just whistle man, bad juju as that smoke? That was smoke
Oh he's going nuts isn't he
This is like Moby Dick I think THAT IS SOME SMOKE Moby Dick's the one with the whale and the obsessed huy, right?
oh well now you're in real shit
STRESS WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED DOWN THERE
Jaws has mad ranks in Hide, just saying
hehehe the jaunty little sea shanty instrumental
"Who let the ocean board my ship?"
I'd just like to say that I am not on board with Captain Quinn. In the agreement sense or the being on his boat sense.
They're actually going to do the cage
ahhhh the air I was wondering if we'd use it
spit? why spit?
I hear shark and there he is. Time to end Jaws.
You have to hit him inside the mouth, right? That could suck
wait where is he
SNEAK ATTACK SHARK
I see a flaw in your plan
besides the HOLY BENT SHARK CAGE BARS
GOOD DAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME MAGAZINES I AM SHARK
but seriously SRRTRESS ALL OF THE STRESS DID HE JUST HOW IS THE CAGE SO USELESS
Oh fuck he's gone isn't he
"This food box is terrible. It spills everywhere"
Yeah. This is my box. Go get your own
NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIP
well fuck he is basically eating the ship and QUINN WHAT THE HELL QUINN
Okay that shark looked a bit fake there but still hooooooooooooooly shit
HooperFUCKFCTFSHARK STRESS NUCH STRESS
I accept your offering, human. I shall dine on this fine repast in my underwater castle
oh come on Jaws go away
You don't even have a boat now. Jaws owned your boat. Hooper's underwater, Quinn's chumHELLO THERE my god that shark hates them fuck this stress is in my shoulders now
"THIS IS ALSO MINE."
Is there anything that does NOT belong to Jaws?
MOTHER LOVING KABOOM that's a pretty convincing critical hit there. Death Star: Shark Edition
Now wait how the hell do they get back home?
And then a third shark shows up and eats them for being cocky
"No." Yeah, that about sums it up.
Fucking gulls. I hhhhhhhhhhate gulls.
And that's a wrap. How about that?
Okay then! I've finally seen a pretty famous movie. And it was quite a thing indeed. There goes the Spielberg tag annnnd we are done! I'll see you all after some more The Hobbit.