Ladyhawke: First impressions

So today, Tropical Storm Arthur came to visit us, and it...

Whiffed.

It whiffed, but it also took out power intermittently to long-term for a lot of the city and probably the province, too. It definitely got us. Roomie tells me that signs and flags and whatnot were torn down, and all the while I'm just looking out the window and seeing blue skies and bright fluffy white clouds. It looked like the most benign and cheerful disaster ever. So yeah, this movie ended up much later in the day than I wanted.

Ladyhawke I seem to remember is about a thief, from what someone told me a long time ago. Or maybe that was the other L movie. I know it's a fantasy, and I think that's about all I've got here, so now that the wind's... still howling like mad but no longer taking out my power, let's watch a movie and hope it doesn't all go to hell again. Tired of the power flicking back on and off.

Sunrise.

"Rutger." What a name.

This music is very Manfred Mann's Earth Band kind of synth I LIKE that logo.

BIRD.

I want to go on record as saying that this music is kind of a cheesy sort of terrible and yet weirdly okay. But it is not good. Andrew Powell, you're the one who gets to answer for this.

Okay it's getting better now. Trumpets and strings and OH THE CHEESY GUITAR IS SO BAD.

Someone told them to be "cool" with the music, didn't they

This is a movie about a bird.

Grim sort of HANGING well then.

Hello church.

So there's a tunneler, a hanging... and a church.

Something tells me you just missed your mouse. Would you care for Mickey, the other one they call The Mouse?

Rhyming :D

Well now, there's a fella who looks like a mouse HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

This movie jumps a lot. Like it hates looking at the same thing for 30 seconds.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

NO WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT DOES HE THING IT IS

Hahaha obvious power of God in the song.

BIRD.

Monk levels, sir. This is like the only thing they're good for.

Oh well this won't be gooWHOOOOPS

This music is severely throwing off my appreciation of the movie, I have to say.

That is a great looking castle.

Uh oh, do we have White Christian Vader here? Are you about to get all the strangled?

GREAT STORMS ANNOUNCE THEMSELVES AS A BREEZE. Now that is a great visual

Man what the hell did Mouse do that they're so after him? With cheesy music, no less?

Well he stile a kife. And a purse. That's something.

Running through the seasons, now

"Please no wolf" he talks like I write.

OMINOUS HOODED FIGURE WITH BIRD

Sheep. All of the sheep.

"He's taking daddy's shoes"

OMINOUS UNHOODED FIGURE WITH BIRD

THAT'S NOT A GREAT GESTURE TO BE DOING

WHOOPS. Way to go fuck yourself, Mouse.

Escape Artist: Many ranks

Now I see why they hate him: he makes them look dumb.

This reminds me of the blacksmith duel from Pirates of the CAPTURED annnnd you just pissed off the guard captain. Good job, Mouse.

ARROW THERE. I mean ALLO THERE.

Nice sword, fella.

Captain Laval and Francesco

WHAT was that

WHACK

Was that an Intimidate check? It looked very not gooAND NOW THAT MAN IS ON FIRE

Not really enough on fire though, you know?

Man's got his own cheesy electronic action music

FILTHY STRUMPETS? I do not think that word is correct for horses.

YANK

Close the blast doors!

NO TIME FOR YOUR SWORD

Bird flies with UFO noises, I don't get it.

Now that's a classic stick hut village if I've ever seen one.

"I'm not an inn, buddy"

Stop wagging your sack at everyone, Mouse

Whatcha got there, Goldilocks?

Why wouldn't he steal the horse? Do these guys know each other?

Hahaha "I should tell you a story about a man named David" indeed

That guy is not British and should give up.

"He was insane and a murderer but he RESPECTED me"

Nonono let's not have any cameras sneaking up on people

Zero ranks in Bluff.

OHEY annnnd wolfed

Wolf? What about CRAZY VILLAGER WITH AXE?

CLOAKED lllllady?

Good looking lady

"The biggest DEAD MAN you ever seen!"

Now he's nattering about dreaming and I kiiiiinda think he should shut up

So the party's an annoying rogue, a fighter with a pet eagle, a... druid or ranger with a wolf counterpart (miiiiight be a sorceress/wizardess with a wolf familiar)

Guess she didn't join the party. Annd cloaks are just this big fetish in Movieland now.

You have a craaaazy look on your face, strange fellow.

Man's got a watch-eagle. That's badass as hell.

Still just a fantastic castle. I want to visit it.

Navar? I would enjoy some subtitles at this point. White Robe isn't happy about this.

Religious fanatic. Niiiice.

NO IT'S NOT AN AXE

SWORDGRAB

A bishop-assassin with a big ol' claymore

What magical forces? Guy's got a hawk.

DUDE JUS THREW A FUCKING CLAUYMORE

WE DO NOT MESS WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN THROW CLAYMORES

You know, she's got blonde hair and recognizes him. Is she like another form of Navar? Sister?

They look VERY similar.

He's certainly quick.

"Wait what's that A GUARD well this morning got worse"

HAHAHA "How can I learn any moral lessons if you keep confusing me like this?"

Man people around here live like shit don't they


CHEESY THEME MUSIC

I don't think that's how you use a crossbow. THAT is how you use a crossbOH SHIT they';re going to be in a lot of trouble, he told them not to kill the bird

NOPE. CHECKING OUT OF HERE FOR THAT THING. Biiiig fuckin' sword

oh well that's just uncool don't hurt a bird

Excellent Intimidate roll, Navar.

Two guys want the bird. What is with the bird?

NOPE. That is NOT horse-riding quest music

That's an interesting sort of gate for an interesting sort of fella.

Still don't get why Mouse listens to Navar.

Cleric.

Yes, Mouse, let's pry in a cleric's business. That always ends well.

WHAT

LADY HAWK. I'M A STUPID PERSON.

The wolf is Navar isn't it they're switching humanity or something

THAT'S NOT CLERICKING MUSIC

No idea what's going on right now

They're linked somehow, her and White Cloak?

HEllo crazy-eyes

Isabelle. Check.

IT WAS YOU you're the failure sir

He used the Dark Force.

Well timed, wolf.

Well that is a BITCHY curse.

Be a heck of a wedding vow if it weren't a bitch of a curse

Strange notion to try and sell a mercenary on.

Okay for a moment there I thought he said "Protect this honky, Sam."

So is this like a middleman routine where he carries messages between them as they transform? Cause that could get tedious. Especially if they try "phone" sex.

"YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE HIM" amusement

Hehehehe bridge trap. Love it.

This is another great castle, where has Europe been hiding all of theright. Europe.

WHOOPS there goes another one

OH COME ON don't go smacking the comic relief monk

Expected that transformation. Didn't expect it to suck quite so much but what can you dwhere did he go

Telling the trugh doesn't go so hot for you, does it Mouse

AHA! An eclipse?

TITLE OF MOVIE.

THIS IS STILL NOT QUEST MUSIC

You know you're stroking a lady's breast right there, eh?

"I don't want to see the world's worst transformation effect again, I'd better go"

That's a fantastic inn-looking building though

That was also a lazy transformation effect.

Uh oh.

Did we lose a bird?

Ah, no, she's good.

Here's me thinking it would be fun to dance like that but really I'd be happy to dance at all right now

OHSHIT

Well then.

Oh this just got not good. The hell is she going?

To get captured is where she's going, I bet

Oh it would suck to step in one of those things.

Of course you fell for it. Wait hwat

That kill was way too 1) easy 2) bloodless take your pick

Ice-fishing with a crossbow strikes me as a bad and stupid idea

Wait how is there snow. This was a three-day thing

"I seduced your bird, no big deal"

HAHAHA festival of misunderstandings and jealousy "WHAT DID YOU DO IN A STABLE?"

Someone took mad ranks in Bluff, when did he level up? Rogues get 8 skill points per level, that's enough for a pretty serious modifier increase

Okay that was a pretty cool shot to get. Do birds normally do that with the water?

Getting in as a dead trophy doesn't count, Navar

Hahahah "every happy moment in my life has come from lying"

NOPE THAT WAS NOT A GOOD PLAN

WHY IS THE FAT MONK ON THE ICE

Wait what the fuck is he trying to kill the Mouse

WHOA eyes okay then wait how's the still there or does it go just after OH COME ON NO

That's just a BITCH of a curse.

I'm with you now, Navar, go stab all the Bishop.

List of things not to say to a man twice your size

"You maaaaay have tried to eat me. Just a bit."

Still just the most fantastic castle.

HAHAHAHAH "Certainly would reflect well on You"

OH well played monk. Super Bluff and Intimidate on that one.

I hear this music and I just expect the Terminator to show up.

Right yes because this went so well for you last time. Was your new level in monk, Mouse?

Told you so.

Jeez they sure don't want anyone getting in to see the Bishop, do they?

Man you're setting yourself up for some awful Romeo and Suliet shit here

NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT

"Oh well if you have no time for our shit then byu all means go on ahead"

Like seriously how did that happen

BOOM hells yes mothercuker it's on now

SOLD. LET'S DO THIS JOUST BUSINESS

Oh right the sword!

ON THE GROUND, SLIME

What are you doing breaking windows that's bad luck or something

Everyone just sort of gives up after one hiEXCEPT HIM

EXCLIPSE who's a genius Jeremy is a genius

Bishop, you're fuckin' boring, you know that?

Oh you know what that means

See now the music's taking itselt seriously

er. Seriouslyer.

THE BELLS right he has to stop the bells

OH SHIT HOW

See you're STUPID and you're going to FAIL because you're STUPID I'm watching Wolfmeo and Birdliet over there you STUPID STUPIUD MAN

DOES NOBODY LOOK AT THE ROBE AND SEE

Why are they both ignoring the claymore of doom

Coup de grace MISS

Did he seriously just TRIP TO DEATH

CANDLES ALL OF THE CANDLES BE UPON YOU

Of course he didn't do it, he's a drunk

Bishop you're just useless aren't you

"Now look over there!"

Oh don't you fuck it up now Isabelle

No idea what that even was

BOOM MOTHERUCKER

Man throws a claymore I SAID THIS I SAID YOU DO NOT MESS WITH A MAN WHO THROWS A CLAYMORE

Heh. "Even if I have to pick the lock"

Guys is that really the safest place to be doing that? Just saying you did just kill a major church authority in view of basically everyone, so unless they all hated him annnd they did apparently

Wait wait IsaBEAU? THE FUCK that's not a name.NOPE. STOPPING CREDITS NOW BEFORE ASSAULT WITH BAD MUSIC CONTINUES.

Alright, well, that was a movie. Here's hoping the next one has better music.